• Chargers:  Some days you think they’re that special pick me up on a hot day and some days, you think there just isn’t that much substance. But since this team sometimes seems delicious and other times leaves you wanting more, I’m handing them a Coffee Frappuccino Light
• Titans: Anyone who knows me knows that there is nothing I hate more than an athletic black quarterback. How am I supposed to get googly-eyed about someone like that? So in honor of a team captained by Vince Young, I’m giving them my least favorite Starbucks drink. A drink that makes no sense and tastes terrible: the Orange Mocha. Take that!
• Jaguars: This is a cold weather team trapped in a warm weather body. They have the power, the panache, the substance and the all-American style I’ve come to love. So, I’m giving them a warm strong drink trapped in the cold weather iced category: the Iced Caffe Americano.
• Steelers: They’re barely removed from their superbowl victory, they’re an underdog at home and people are giving them no respect. But they’ve got some underrated style and a flair for a little creativity. Call me crazy, but i’m going Vanilla Latte on this one. A solid underrated drink for a solid team.

So there you have it. Now when you think Starbucks you think NFL playoffs and when you think NFL playoffs, you think Starbucks. See, there’s been a method to my coffeenerdness madness all along!

See More: NFC STYLE

• Redskins: They’re a success story that didn’t really kick off until December and then it was all anyone wanted. They have the bittersweet element (Sean Taylor RIP), so this one is pretty much a no-brainer: the Egg Nog Latte
• Seahawks: This team is pure Seattle. There’s nothing too spectacular about them, but they’re a vintage roast. So Seattle, have this grande original coffee on me!
• Bucs:  In the warm weather town of Tampa, we need to pay homage to the weather. But this is also a flavorful and resourceful bunch with the added kick of a little Jon Gruden. They’re getting the Iced Caramel Macchiato. 
• Giants:  From Tiki to the softening of Coach Coughlin to Eli to Brandon Jacobs doing a Christian Okoye impersonation, this team has been nearly impossible to read and impossible to predict all season. So handing them a tasty beverage is no easy task. But for a Starbucks veteran like myself, there is a similar feeling whenever you’re standing in a long line of lattes, iced coffees and caffe americanos and then some unpredictable joker steps to the counter and orders a drink that is solid, but seems out of place. One that has earned its spot on the Starbucks menu, yet seems like it’s a horse of a different color. One that seems to have all the right pieces (flavor, substance, originality), but something is missing. Ladies and Gentlemen, the New York Giants are a….Chai Tea Latte!

Enjoy the playoffs, I’ll hand out some AFC drinks later this week.  

Stop me if you’ve heard this before…

NEW YORK — Once upon a time, way back in 2000, New England owner Bob Kraft swam against the tide and hired a 47-year-old coach, Bill Belichick, who brought along a trusted friend with a knack for picking players, Scott Pioli, 34, to run the personnel side of the team.

Pioli would scout and prepare the free-agent and draft lists with his staff, and do contracts, while Belichick would coach and pick the players … with the financial and moral support of Kraft.

The Patriots were $10 million over the cap then, and their top-rated free agent at an important position was a terrific young tackle, Jon Runyan. Nope, Belichick said; we’re not going to further screw up our bloated cap by signing the richest tackle in football. So the Patriots bit the bullet in 2000 and 2001, trying to get better through the draft ( Tom Brady came in 2000, Richard Seymour and Matt Light in ’01).

I always get flack from people for pointing out how Brady was an example of a great pick the Patriots made. They say, “He was a sixth-rouder. It’s a crap shoot!” That’s pure ignorance. Every single pick in the every single-Pioli/Belichick draft is pre-planned (if not pre-ordained). If they got word that the Rams were going to take Brady with the 198th pick, they would have traded up for him. I have that on high authority. 

Then they took a very interesting gamble in 2001. One of their best young defensive players, tackle Chad Eaton, was a free agent, and the Pats let him go seek his fortune. Eaton signed with Seattle for a bonus of $3.5 million. The Patriots signed 20 mid- to low-roster veteran free agents for of $2.57 million in signing bonuses that spring.

Oops! Just caught a copy error in that paragraph. If anyone else notices, you can send it along todotcomeditor@si.com. 

Of course, the Patriots won the Super Bowl that season, with 16 of those free agents playing in an upset win over St. Louis. Mike Vrabel, Antowain Smith , Roman Phifer and Larry Izzo were among them. In the spring of 2002, New England was the only defending Super Bowl champion in the first nine years of free agency to enter the next season under the salary cap.

Should I have noted that their highest paid player, Drew Bledsoe, was cut before the season? Should I have mentioned that had Bledsoe not been injured, not only would the Patriots probably have been closer to the previous year’s 5-11 than 2001′s 11-5, but they would have been significantly over the cap going into 2002? Should I have noted that the Drew Bledsoe injury is the main reason they had the flexibility to sign so many mid-level free agents, only a few of whom worked out? I thought it sorta takes away from the point of the story, right, so why include it?

After that 2002 Super Bowl game, I told Belichick at the Patriots’ team party, “You’ve just given a blueprint to every team in the NFL — draft well, find a quarterback and fill in all the cracks through middle- and lower-class free-agency.”

“I know,” he said.

Six years later, teams still don’t follow the blueprint. I don’t get it.

Especially the part about finding a quarterback. What don’t teams understand about finding diamonds in the rough at the QB position? It’s the single easiest thing to do in football. Look at Derek Anderson. Look at Tony Romo. I don’t get it! 

***

Football’s the ultimate team sport. Isn’t that what we always hear owners, GMs and coaches say? The Browns are contending today because they rebuilt their offensive line ( Joe Thomas, Eric Steinbach) and handed a former sixth-round pick (Derek Anderson) the reins at quarterback.

You don’t think Phil Savage and Romeo Crennel knew when he drafted Anderson that he had a future franchise QB? 

The Packers are contending today because a soft-spoken general manager (Ted Thompson) hired the offensive coordinator of the worst offense in football (Mike McCarthy, San Francisco) and let him coach his way.

I lost my train of thought here, I think. 

The Steelers are contending today, at least in part, because progressive owners (the Rooneys) hired a precocious, Noll-like 34-year-old coach (Mike Tomlin) with a big upside.

I guess I’m using the term contending pretty loosely here. 

Dallas has a third-time-is-the-charm rookie head coach (Wade Phillips) and a quarterback (Tony Romo) whose rights cost them $10,000 four years ago.

I might be making the case that it’s easier to find a franchise coach than a QB, now? 

Jacksonville is contending today because of a strong defense, a two-headed running game ( Fred Taylor, Maurice Jones-Drew) and a longtime backup quarterback (David Garrard) playing better than the high-first-round star quarterback (Byron Leftwich) ever did.

With guys like Garrard, Anderson and Romo, you just knew that they were being groomed from the time they made the practice squad as a tight end. 

Why is Tampa Bay running away with the NFC South? Key guys: undrafted quarterback (Jeff Garcia), undrafted running back (Earnest Graham), ancient receiver on his third team (Joey Galloway).

Defense made up of perennial Pro Bowlers, too. A young, fiery coach with a Super Bowl ring, too. Easiest schedule and division in football, as well. 

That’s not every team, obviously. But if Dallas and New England meet in the Super Bowl, it will be a battle of coaches who are on their third and second jobs, respectively, starring a free-agent bumpkin from Eastern Illinois at quarterback for one team and a quarterback for the other picked after  Spergon Wynn in sixth round of the 2000 draft. The personnel czars would be Pioli and 38-year-old Dallas vice president of college and pro scouting Jeff Ireland. Those guys are barely household names in their own households.

In fairness to myself, you’d really have to have been to Jeff Ireland’s house to understand that joke. It’s killer. 

(To be fair, Dallas owner Jerry Jones has the final say on the draft and in free agency and has had a smart season. Jones deserves a couple of pats on the back for ignoring geniuses like me who told him paying underachieving ex-Cardinal tackle  Leonard Davis big dough to play guard was stupid. Now Davis, deservedly, is going to the Pro Bowl.)

And I don’t use the term “genius” loosely. 

Atlanta was stunned by the  Bobby Petrino fiasco, and the team’s first reaction was to go after Bill Cowher. Didn’t work. Second reaction: Go get Bill Parcells. No go. Third reaction: Pursue Marty Schottenheimer , from all indications. That may happen.

Another copy editor mishap! Stu, it was “ Third reaction: Pursue Marty Schottenheimer. F rom all indications, that may happen.” Dolt. 

Miami was stunned by the Nick Saban fiasco 11 months ago, and owner  Wayne Huizenga – after going from Jimmy Johnson and his heirs to Dan Marino to Saban and not winning a Super Bowl — went the lesser-light route. Coach Cam Cameron and GM Randy Mueller  were going to embark on a long-term plan to rebuild the team. Huizenga gave the new plan 13 games before jetting to upstate New York for another big fish. Or Big Tuna. Parcells.

You won’t find me criticizing Huizenga for hiring Parcells, who has improved every team he’s inherited. Once he finds the right quarterback, Parcells will improve this team, too.

He’d be doing himself a favor by sticking with Cleo Lemon or John Beck – they fit the profile for success. 

But I will criticize the NFL ethos of always looking for the star. The other day, someone said to me, “Well, the Ravens’ lousy year is really going to screw Rex Ryan‘s chance for a job.” My reaction: For God’s sakes, why? Why should one of the two or three best defensive coordinators in the NFL, and a forceful personality too, be eliminated from consideration for a head-coaching job because his team got destroyed by injuries and a lousy offense?

My reaction was logical and logic doesn’t play in the League. But, I also invoked God’s name, which plays quite well. 

A prominent GM told me the other day that college athletic directors are often concerned when they hire a new coach about “winning the press conference.” Sometimes, he said, friends in college administration make hires they know will be popular with alums and fans rather than hiring the best men for the job. He says the same thing happens in pro football.

You should have seen Mark Duper’s reaction to the Cameron hire. Not good. 

“People in dire straits do what is expedient to get themselves out of dire straits as quickly as possible,” the GM said. “Hiring a name gives them hope because it gives the fans and the organization hope.”

Obviously, I had thought the same thing. I’m sure you and all of your frat brothers thought the same thing, too. It’s pretty obvious, right? But I really felt this point needed the force of a quote from an unnamed GM to drive it home. 

***

In baseball, youth has been served in front offices since the turn of the century. Wisely in the cases of Red Sox GM Theo Epstein, Yankees GM  Brian Cashman, Indians GM Mark Shapiro and the Diamondbacks’ Josh Byrnes. There’s no reason why youth shouldn’t have the same chance in football. The names of the young turks who should be at the top of the list for rebuilding franchises:

1. Scott Pioli, 42, New England. Smart. Ready, if he ever chooses to leave his good friend Belichick’s side, which he’ll likely have to do if he ever wants to have his football acumen recognized.

He’ll never get the credit he deserves in New England. I mean, seriously, has anyone outside to the cadre of football writers every heard of this guy? Ann Killion, who covers the 49ers for the San Jose Mercury News, looked at me like I had three eyes when I brought up Pioli’s name in conversation. And they say there’s an East Coast Bias. 

2. Chris Polian, 35, Indianapolis. Working under his prominent dad, Bill, Polian has risen to vice president of football operations and tried to learn lessons from top baseball execs. Tough and precocious.

He’s also adorable. 

3. Jeff Ireland, 38, Dallas. Thorough and ultra-prepared, with a reasoned opinion about every player he scouts. Unemotional and methodical.

A little more insight to why Mr. Ireland might not be a household name in his own house. 

***

The next question is who Parcells will go after to build his new organization. That decision might lead to some trouble. When Huizenga hired Parcells, the owner said, “Anything that has anything to do with football, directly or indirectly, reports to Bill. That includes doctors and trainers and everything. Everybody is going to report to him.”

Look. I know that I spent the first 2 pages of this web column campaigning for no-names at the QB, Coach and GM positions. But, hey, I’m as much of a starf*cker as the next guy (really, that’s the only word). 

Well, unless a front-office executive Parcells might consider hiring has his contract expire with his current team at the end of this year, or the guy is currently working without a contract (not altogether uncommon in the personnel business), Parcells might have a fight on his hands to woo a top personnel executive.

The NFL rule is that if a front-office man does not have control over the draft and free agency, and he is being offered a job with that final football authority, then his team would be obligated to allow him to interview if permission were requested.

Will that apply in Miami? Maybe.

Teams are notoriously stingy when it comes to their executives’ right to further their career. Wikipedia it.  

There’s a good chance that if Dallas’ Jones were asked by Miami for permission to speak with Ireland, he might say (as might any smart-thinking NFL executive), “Hold on here. Why should I allow my top personnel man to go somewhere where he might have the title of GM, but we all know he wouldn’t be free to make the final football decisions?” In other words, Parcells might say his GM is free to make those kinds of decisions, but it would be up to the league to determine whether a new hire would really have that kind of authority.

I know, it’s just the kind of soap opera we need in the time of Michael Vick and Pacman Jones, but get ready, people. 

I spoke with Parcells twice about this on Sunday. The first time, I told him what I thought — that a team with a good personnel guy might challenge the Dolphins’ ability to hire that personnel guy with the promise of giving him final football authority, because they would say Parcells is the real final football voice.

“That’s not the way it is,” he said from his home in Saratoga Springs, N.Y. “We set it up so the general manager I hire will have that authority. I want to make it clear: I don’t want to be the general manager. I don’t want to be the head coach. I told Wayne that very clearly. I don’t think it will be an issue.”

A few minutes later, Parcells called back. “You got me thinking,” he said, “so I got my contract out. I wanted to be sure about the wording.”

*I* got Parcells thinking. For all my detractors, I really am a genius. Ask Parcells, a certified genius, who I got thinking. 

Then he read me the wording of what he said were the applicable clauses in the contract. “‘As Executive Vice President of Football Operations,’” Parcells read, “‘employee shall be responsible for overseeing the club’s football operations. Employee shall act as club designee for purpose of [executing] contracts with head coach and general manager.’”

Said Parcells: “So what I am is the owner’s designee. My job is to hire a coach, hire a GM and put a structure in place for them to operate.”

Will the league buy that? As I said on NBC last night, I believe there’s a good chance some team might bring a grievance against the Dolphins over this.

Olbermann told me later that night that he thinks this is a story that has no legs, and is completely media-driven, or, more specifically, me-driven. I told him he shoulda stuck with the mustache. 

“I’m not worried about it,” Parcells said.

We’ll see who’s worried when you try to steal Jeff Ireland from the ‘Boys. That was a double-entendre that no one outside of Ireland’s wife, dog and myself will get. 

Clearly, the league could be skeptical about allowing any front-office man currently under contract to leave for a GM job in Miami the way it’s structured right now. I could see NFL executive VP and legal counsel  Jeff Pash asking Huizenga, with a jaundiced eye: “You’re paying Bill Parcells $3 million a year or so, and you’re telling me you want to hire someone to have final football authority in the organization over him? That’s not going to fly.”

Reason #3902 I love writing this column: I can reveal little tidbits like Jeff Pash’s jaundice that we all suspect is due to years of alcoholism. 

Remember, though, that if a personnel man is working without a contract, or if his team allows him permission to leave (which I could see happen with the gentlemanly Packers and good-soldier Schneider, if Miami were interested), the Dolphins would be allowed to interview that candidate.

It’s way too early to predict what will happen in Miami. An educated guess would be that Parcells aims for a strong personnel man, then interviews a slew of NFL assistants — and not just those he knows — to be the new head coach. It wouldn’t surprise me if he went for a smart, malleable, egoless, unknown type — like Dallas assistant head coach  Tony Sparano– as his new coach.

A patsy. I should have just said it. He’s looking for a patsy. 

Those aren’t the only ones, but they’re a start, and they’re not the usual suspects.

The Fine Fifteen

1. New England (15-0). Classic ho-hum job over Miami. The most fired-up the crowd got might have been when Youkilis, Schilling and Ortiz brought the Word Series trophy onto the field before the game.

Don’t want to say typical New England, but…

2. Indianapolis (13-2). It’s scary how good the Colts are right now. They’ve won six straight by an average of 13.3 points per game.

Not saying they really turn it on when they have nothing to play for, but…

3. Dallas (13-2). “God is good. It could have been worse,” said Terrell Owens, just before walking out of the Cowboys’ locker room Saturday night in Charlotte with his sprained ankle. Actually, he didn’t walk out of the locker room the way his teammates did. He walked out on crutches. In a walking boot. The guess here is we won’t see T.O. until the divisional playoff game in 19 or 20 days.

I can’t tell you how close T.O. and I have gotten. We talk on the phone for hours. About life. If I were to have another child, and you never know, I’d name it Terrell or Terrelle. 

4. Green Bay (12-3). Somebody needs to do a psyche transplant on that punter, Jon Ryan. Talk about a bad day. That’s one of the all-time awful days for a punter.

I could think of a few million Packers fans willing to have their psyches transplanted in Ryan’s head. 

5. San Diego (9-5). These are your father’s Chargers … last four games: 130 points.

Remember when I called them frauds in the SI.com article. Then I said, here on coffeenerdness, don’t hold me too it when they go 6-0 to end the season and I’m calling them the third best team in football? This is your chance to show your restraint. 

6. Jacksonville (11-4). My first question to Fred Taylor postgame: Did you go out today with vengeance against the Pro Bowl voters? “No,” he said. “I wasn’t going to use that as motivation. If you use that as motivation, and you lose or play bad, what good does that do? I do wish we’d get to vote after 16 games, not 13. I always finish with a strong November-December.”

Then I said, “Except when you’re hurt.” And he said, “Man, I ain’t been hurt in 6 years. You and that Talented Mr. Roto are killing me!” And you know what? He’s right about Berry. 

Couldn’t have said it better, Fred! In fact, down in Ten Things, you’ll get a much longer take on how fans, players and coaches should vote for the Pro Bowl. Taylor had his fifth straight 100-yard game, this time seven carries for an eye-popping 111 yards.

I clearly love you. I called your 111 yard performance EYE-POPPING! If Willis McGahee had 111 yards, I’d call it pedestrian or run-of-the-mill. I don’t want to hear it anymore, Fred. 

7. Pittsburgh (10-5). Of all the stupid opinions I had in my King 500 (the top 500 players in football, which I authored for the SI NFL preview), perhaps the biggest was not having  Ben Roethlisberger in my top 20 players.

I promise, I’ll run down all the stupid opinions in the King 500 at a later date here on Coffeenerdness. 

8. Tampa Bay (9-6). Interesting comment from a prominent league official last Friday. “The Bucs are amazing,” said the official. “They’re running away with their division, they’ve got a quarterback who’s played great in the playoffs, they’ve got a Super Bowl coach, and it’s like they don’t exist. You never hear a word about them when people talk about Super Bowl contenders.”

Well, there’s your word, prominent league official. 

9. Tennessee (9-6). Big game Sunday night at Indy. The Titans win and they’re in the playoffs. So here’s the last eight meetings between Tennessee and Indy, from oldest to most recent: Colts by 26, Colts by 2, Colts by 14, Colts by 27, Colts by 21, Colts by 32, Colts by 1, Titans (on the  Rob Bironas 60-yarder to win) by 3. In other words, Tennessee’s got its proverbial work cut out Sunday at the RCA Dome.

I know, I know, “…has its work cut out” is not a proverb. But what is in a post-9/11 world, really? 

10. Washington (8-7). We’ve gone in the span of a month from preparing to award  Joe Gibbs his gold watch to preparing to give him a two-year contract extension. What a performance by the Redskins. If you’d have told me a team would go 80 yards in 10 plays on the Vikings to make the score 23-zip in the first half … I’d have said something like, “Who’s that? The Patriots?”

Just saying, this Todd Collins kid is pretty good. Just another example of how easy it is to find a QB. 

11. Cleveland (9-6). Scary game by Derek Anderson, who looked nothing like the top-10 quarterback he’s played like for 80 percent of this season. Not a good time for him to be forcing, aiming and underthrowing receivers.

But, in his defense, he only has a first-round future-bust behind him on the depth chart. I’d be interested to see Cleveland bring in a few Arena League QBs to compete with Anderson next year. Prediction: An Arena League QB will one day win a Super Bowl. It’s the logical progression. The way we’re going, I’m not sure that you even need to have played QB in college to win it all. 

12. Seattle (10-5). A bit of a surging ground game against the Ravens: 34 carries, 148 yards.

I hate Seattle’s uniforms. 

13. New York Giants (10-5). In the history of this proud franchise, never, ever have the Giants had two 100-yard rushers in a game. At Buffalo, Ahmad  Bradshaw and Brandon Jacobs both went over 140. Roll that around in your brain for a while. It’s amazing enough that the ground-hugging Giants had never had two guys surpass 100 in a game.

Not saying it happens every week, but it happens once every other year. 

14. Minnesota (8-7). So much for the Vikes’ automatic bid into the NFL Tournament. Now Washington must lose to Dallas and Minnesota must win at Denver. This is great for interest in Week 17, which was nearly nil 24 hours ago, but it could be bad for the men in purple.

And to think, geniuses like me were calling them the most dangerous team in the NFC a mere week ago. I don’t think I was wrong, though, I think the Vikings were. 

15. Philadelphia (7-8). Brian Westbrook went over 2,000 combined yards at New Orleans in another powerful performance. He’s on his way to earning my All-Pro vote. He’s at 2,005. By the way, Philly’s last four road games have been against teams in the playoffs or who entered Week 16 with playoff chances. Philly won at Washington, lost at New England, won at Dallas, won at New Orleans. This is the best team that won’t make the playoffs.

I know that statement’s a little incongruous with the fact I put two teams that won’t make the playoffs above them, but I assume you don’t know what incongruous means. 

15. Buffalo (7-8). You think the Bills might have gotten a tad inspired from the appearance of Kevin Everett in their locker room before the game? By 1:22 p.m. ET, it was 14-0, and  Trent Edwards had two perfectly thrown touchdown passes — one to the man signed as a replacement for Everett, tight end Michael Gaines.

It would be hard to point to anyone Kevin Everett’s injury has affected more than Michael Gaines. 

The Awards Section

Offensive Player of the Week

Pittsburgh RB Najeh Davenport , who just might be Bettis Jr.

Don’t tell the Bus I said that though! When Collinsworth said it to him last night, Bettis actually walked out of the 12-flat-screen room. 

Willie Parker goes down on the second play last Thursday night’s game against the Rams with a broken leg, leaving the Steelers without the leading rusher in the league (at that moment). Disaster.

But there’s a reason personnel czar Kevin Colbert wanted Davenport so much before the 2006 season. It’s because he’s capable of having nights like he had at the Edward Jones Dome in the Steelers’ 41-24 win, rushing 24 times for 123 yards, a 5.1-yard average, with two touchdowns.

“We didn’t change anything when Willie went down,” said Roethlisberger.

For his six-year career, Davenport has the equivalent of one long season: 372 carries, 1,761 yards, 4.7-yard average. A very good season. Brett Favre went a little too far, perhaps, when he said about Davenport during his Packer days, “The only thing standing between Najeh Davenport and a rushing title is  Ahman Green.” That’s how good Davenport could be. The Steelers will need every bit of Davenport’s potential to win in the playoffs.

It’ll be interesting to see what he does against a team like Tennessee or Jacksonville in the playoffs, teams with good defensive lineman and whatnot. 

Defensive Players of the Week

Tennessee DE Kyle Vanden Bosch, for his inspired play (I think we could say that about him every week) in a 10-6, playoff-chances-saving win. Three sacks, 11 tackles, a forced fumble. Someday we’ll give Vanden Bosch the credit he deserves for being one of the top five defensive ends in football.

Along with Jared Allen, Aaron Kampman, Osi Umenyiora, Jason Taylor, Julius Peppers, Mario Williams and Patrick Kearney. 

Goat of the Week

Green Bay P Jon Ryan. I know the wind was awful in the Windy City, but come on. Two punts blocked, in part because of his glacially slow mechanics, and one fumbled snap from center. That’s intolerable on a team that needed this game to stay in the home-field race with Dallas.

I sometimes feel bad picking on punters because I played punter in high school and I would have been a pretty good NFL punter if the breaks went my way. But one thing that I know for sure is that lightning quick mechanics, like mine, are superior to glacially slow mechanics. 

Quote of the Week I

“Peyton won’t play the whole game. [Backup quarterback Jim] Sorgi will get at least a half. It’s unfortunate the way the schedule falls. We have to look at what is best for us, and that’s how we’re going to approach the final game.”

– Indianapolis coach Tony Dungy, who says he will do what’s best for his team, and not what other coaches, fans and players might want him to do, in the final game of the season. Dungy will likely rest some starters for most, if not all of the game. Tennessee, the Colts’ foe on Sunday, will make the playoffs with a win. Which brings us to …

Quote of the Week II

“It’s not up to the Indianapolis Colts to do us any favors. They’ve played well enough to deserve the right to play who they want this week. Kudos to them. We’d like Peyton to play four quarters, obviously, but we understand what they’re doing.”

– Cleveland linebacker Willie McGinest, who told me Sunday night he didn’t hold it against the Colts for easing up on the gas in their final (and meaningless) regular-season game, and he didn’t think his teammates would either.

Well, I disagree. When you sign on to be a member of the NFL, you sign on to try to win every game. This is horse apples if you ask me. 

Quote of the Week III

“Obviously, Bill didn’t come cheap. That doesn’t matter to us. We’re not afraid to spend the money to win.”

– Miami owner Wayne Huizenga, announcing the hiring of vice president of football operations Bill Parcells to a four-year contract that is estimated to be worth at least $14 million.

Think Parcells isn’t making the personnel decisions at $14 million over 4 years? Fat chance (no pun intended). 

MVP Watch

1. Tom Brady, QB, New England. I noticed Brett Favre conceded the race to Brady the other day. Rightfully so. Brady (48 touchdowns, eight interceptions) should win it in a walk.

After I read that Favre said that, I considered making my MVP watch just one guy. I’m not sure why I didn’t – this list is all bells and whistles.

2. Tony Romo, QB, Dallas. “Adrenalin’s a great equalizer,” Romo said after the Cowboys’ 13th win on Saturday night. That masked the pain in his badly bruised throwing thumb, and he needed it.

Other great equalizers: snow, sleet, performance enhancing drugs, mud-slinging PR campaigns, blindness. 

3. Peyton Manning, QB, Indianapolis. He rises above Favre because of the way they’ve both played the last month.

And they say I’m not impartial. 

4. Brett Favre, QB, Green Bay. Not helping his cause with nine picks in his last four games.

And they say I’m not impartial. 

5. (tie) Randy Moss, WR, New England; Ben Roethlisberger, QB, Pittsburgh. Roethlisberger’s playing heroically under intense pass-rush pressure, and he’s playing hurt. Moss became the second receiver in the 88-year history of the NFL to have 20 or more touchdown catches in a season on Sunday. He’ll need two to pass  Jerry Rice for the all-time record Saturday at the Meadowlands.

Devil his due. Devil his due. 

Factoid of the Week That May Interest Only Me

Tracy Phillips, the daughter of Dallas coach Wade Phillips, plays a belly dancer in a critical scene of Charlie Wilson’s War , the film starring Tom Hanks, Philip Seymour Hoffman and Julia Roberts. Phillips does a seductive dance in front of the Egyptian defense minister. It’s a long story. We’ll all have to see it to understand it. Daughter joined Dad in Charlotte for the Cowboys-Panthers on Saturday night, by the way.

This is a factoid I think might not only interest me, if you catch my drift. If you’re interested, and I know you are, this is Tracy Phillips:  http://s179.photobucket.com/albums/w296/traspberry/videos/fd/?action=view&current=fo21.jpg

Enjoyable/Aggravating Travel Note of the Week

The blessing of all blessings: My biggest road trip in the last seven days was a 40-minute train trip, which was on time in both directions, to HBO last Wednesday. Every air traveler I’ve encountered in the past few days has some tale of holiday woe to tell. That’s one great thing about being off the road most weekends this season.

For the record, the fact that I post enjoyable/aggravating travel notes does not mean that I want to hear about YOUR enjoyable/aggravating travel note. Also for the record, they’re ALL aggravating. Doesn’t anyone have enjoyable travel notes, like I do? Are the people are Amtrak, American Airlines and Carnival Cruise Lines so bad, people? 

Ten Things I Think I Think

1. I think these are my quick-hit thoughts of Week 16:

c. My guess is it’s probably not the happiest of holiday seasons in the Rich  McKay household.

And to think, a year ago, I called for him to be the next commissioner of the NFL. Them Falcons are cursed. 

d. Nor Cam Cameron’s.

But this loser deserves it. Ted Ginn? I’m sorry, he does. 

e. But if I know Cameron, he’ll make lemonade out of the lemons he’s been handed. Talk about a power-of-positive-thinking guy.

He’ll have to! Maybe get Ted Ginn to take him to nice dinners or  mow his lawn or something. 

f. Although I would say this about Cameron: Be surprised, but not shocked, if Parcells keeps him. He’s definitely going to be in play there.

This is what we, in the media, call covering our asses (pardon my French). I have just predicted that Cameron will be fired and not fired at the same time. I’ve given you no new information or insight, nor have I put myself on the line with any definitive prediction. Thirty years in the biz, people, you get pretty good at covering your backside. 

g. Parcells’ first day at work, by the way, is Thursday. He’ll watch practice for two days, meet with Mueller and Cameron, then watch the final Miami game of the year against Cincinnati on Sunday at Dolphins Stadium.

Which I predict the Dolphins will win-lose. 

h. When we talk about great tights ends, why don’t we ever talk about the Redskins’  Chris Cooley? Did you see how open he got last night on that first-quarter touchdown pass from Todd Collins?

By “we,” I mean “me” and its because I don’t like Cooley’s hippie hair. Sometimes, even a Timothy Leary-disciple like Cooley makes you stand and recognize. 

i. “Todd Collins Leads Redskins To Brink of Playoffs.” Can’t think of a more unlikely newspaper headline in 2007.

I’ve thought of one since last night:

“Former First Lady, a woman, frontrunner for White House; Black Guy, Mormon and Guy Who Once Married his Cousin also in mix.”

l. Graphic of the Day, on CBS: All 22 Indianapolis starters have played their entire careers with the Colts.

This is actually the graphic of my lifetime. 

m. Haven’t seen Tony Dungy as angry on the sidelines as he was protesting a horse-collar tackle call on Marlin Jackson. Looked like a real horse-collar to me.

Like this: http://www.crackerbarrel.com/images/9HORSECO.jpg

n. Stole this from Collinsworth on Sunday afternoon: It’s unfair to compare the stats of Peyton Manning in his comfy dome to the stats of Brett Favre in a frigid tornado in Chicago or brother  Eli in a 40-mph gale in Buffalo.

But we, in the media, do it anyway. No one said we get paid to be fair, guys. 

p. Why is Brett Favre in a 35-7 game in the fourth quarter in Arctic Circle conditions?

I called Mike McCarthy after the game, not to get his reaction to the loss, but to scold him. He could have gotten hurt. Seriously.

q. I cannot believe 59 points were scored in that weather in Buffalo.

Then again, I found the plot of National Treasure: Book of Secrets, which made over $50 million this weekend, to be unbelievable. What do I know. 

r. Don’t look now, but Shaun Hill‘s 2-0 as an NFL starter … with, as you know, not a very good team around him.

And don’t forget that I told you not to look way be when, when he’s hoisting the Vince Lombardi trophy next year. 

2. I think this is my pet peeve about the Pro Bowl, the most meaningless game on the planet, other than the Major League Lacrosse all-star game. (So, you ask, if it’s so meaningless, why is this the number two topic in the Ten Things? Good question. But it’ll be my last mention of it all winter, believe me.) The game is played Feb. 9. Why is fan voting closed 60 days before the game (Dec. 11), with three games left in the season, and why is player and coach voting done the same week?

Two perfect examples of how voting early screws the teams that are selected. One — Fred Taylor and Jamal Lewis both deserve to be on the AFC team ahead of Joseph Addai. Taylor, the 18th-leading rusher of alltime, has never made a Pro Bowl and was a sentimental choice this year — and a deserving pick. Taylor has had five straight 100-yard games, and his 147-yard mashing of the Steelers in Pittsburgh, after the voting closed, was one of the most impressive performances of the year. But that game doesn’t count in the Pro Bowl voting, nor will either of his last two.

Lewis’ 33-carry, 163-yard dominating of the Bills in the snow last Sunday was just as good as Taylor’s. Look at the AFC rushing standings right now: Taylor 1,202 yards, Lewis 1,176 and Addai 1,045. Why is Addai in? Because the vote was taken with three weeks to go in the season.

I know, I picked two guys to make the team and only left one guy off. You guessed it, another old journalin’ trick. Who was I going to knock off for Jamal Lewis? LaDainian Tomlinson? Willie Parker? So what, I want four RBs on the team even though its impossible. But you probably didn’t even realize that. 

And two: Jonathan Ogden at left tackle is about as smart as picking Steve McNair at quarterback. As of the time of the vote, Ogden had started seven of 13 games for Baltimore. Why doesn’t the league just pencil in Ogden at left tackle the year after he retires? Not only has Ogden been a shell of himself this year, as a player, he also hasn’t shown up for half the games! Joe Thomas of Cleveland has played every snap this year and led a resurgent Cleveland offensive line to prominence. He’s also been responsible for allowing just one sack in 15 games.

Can’t disagree with myself here. This was a very good point I made. 

3. I think the more football I watch, the more I think I was too hasty last summer when I said the NFL should go to a 17-game schedule. This year hasn’t been any more injury-plagued than any other; but late in the season, when fatigued players continue to drop (three Dallas starters went out in the first half alone Saturday night), you get a different view of injuries and how they affect teams than you do in July.

I was just thinking about money when I said this and now, in the wake of Kevin Everett’s injury, it’s all about players’ safety. 

Maybe Terrell Owens will be fine, his high ankle sprain won’t be very serious and he’ll be ready to go next week in Washington, or in three weeks in the divisional playoff game. But if he isn’t, the Cowboys have lost Tony Romo’s favorite weapon. In the 25 regular-season games started by Romo, he’s hit Owens 5.5 times a game for 86 yards (a 15.7-yard average), with 23 touchdowns in the 25 games. To add a 17th game and think more significant players wouldn’t get hurt doesn’t make sense.

So what if it doesn’t make sense. At the time, knowing what we knew, it was genius. 

5. I think  Laurence Maroney, the leading ground-gainer in Week 16 (14 carries, 156 yards), is doing a great job proving he’s both tougher than we thought and more productive. Last eight quarters: 260 rushing yards. The Patriots don’t have to worry about running the ball in January.

They didn’t really have to worry about it in 2001, 2003 or 2004 either, though. 

6. I think this is what I liked about Week 16:

a. Seattle and Denver are pretty good offensive teams, right? Better than pretty good, really, and they’ve kept their quarterbacks healthy, too. They’ve combined for 71 touchdowns this season. That’s the same number as the Patriots alone have scored. New England set the NFL record on Sunday with its 71st. In the numbers blizzard that is the NFL these days, let’s not let that one go idly by.

I won’t be letting them go idly by. I plan on writing a book on all the obscure facts about this season: “New England’s Dynasty: Factoids That Will Interest You, Too.” 

d. If Marion Barber‘s not one of the five best running backs in football, then my name’s Grantland Rice.

Oh, you don’t know who Grantland Rice is and why that’s such a poignant reference, especially around the holidays? More and more I realize why we’re losing ground to the Russians and Japanese in math and English. 

e. Seattle locked the third seed with the most versatile offensive game the ‘Hawks have played in a month.

I thought about using a pronoun there (…offensive game they played in a month.), but I’m writing this for an American audience, who’s lagging behind Eastern Europe and parts of Sub-Saharan Asia in linguistics. 

f. Do not give up on a rested Chad Pennington when the Jets (in all likelihood) put him out to pasture this offseason. Nice TD toss on the run in the first half at Tennessee on Sunday. Are you listening, Ozzie Newsome, Arthur Blank, Bill Parcells? Pennington might be the perfect bridge to your next long-term quarterbacks — he might even be better than that.

As a former first-rounder, a bridge to your QB of the future – be it a late-round pick, an undrafted free agent or a CFL refugee – is pretty good value. 

g. Donovan McNabb, take a bow. Great game, and not just because of the numbers (24-of-35, 283 yards, three TDs, no picks, plus a 40-yard scramble). It was his presence. He looked like the McNabb of old.

I also want to commend him for having the presence of mind to take that touchdown-scoring, 20-yard fumble at the tail end of the 40-yard scramble. 

h. McNabb looks like McNabb Classic. With the playoffs not an issue anymore, he might be auditioning for Baltimore or Chicago or Atlanta.

When the playoffs are an issue, as you might remember, he vomits. 

k. Heck of a takedown of Packers linebacker Nick Barnett by umpire Jim Quirk, breaking up a scrum late in Packers-Bears.

I’m not saying Jim Quirk could strap on some pads and go out there and play. I’m not saying he couldn’t. 

7. I think this is what I didn’t like about Week 16:

a. Did I miss what I really think I missed Saturday night? Was NFL Network actually isolating on Patrick Crayton on the first snap of the Dallas-Carolina game for some asinine reason? Are you kidding me? All any of us want to see is the snap from center from a first-time starter,  Cory Procter, to Tony Romo, playing with a bruised thumb, and instead we see Crayton sprinting off the line and Romo diving on the fumbled snap a split-second later. We didn’t see the snap until the instant replay. Now that’s a good start to a telecast right there.

Oh man, you should have heard Collinsworth. NFL Network is a bunch of amateurs, this. Bryant Gumbel is a smarmy, sonofasoandso that. He was no pleased. 

c. Steve Smith (Giants), you’ve got to make that long catch, perfectly thrown by Eli Manning. Is there any receiving corps — backs included — with worse hands than the Giants’?

As my Uncle Morris, an old vaudevillian, would have said: “I haven’t seen hands that bad since Harold Russell in “The Best Years of Our Lives.” Unce Morris was inappropriate, but funny. 

e. Tennessee’s in trouble with Albert Haynesworth. He can’t finish a game, and so much of what they do on defense depends on his inner forcefulness.

He’s really been my bete noire this year, huh, readers? 

g. I don’t want to kill Derek Anderson, because the Browns would never be in position to make a Week 17 playoff run without him. But it’s sad that when the Browns look back on this season, if they don’t make the playoffs, a big reason will be his four interceptions Sunday.

As you see, I didn’t want to kill him, so I didn’t. I just maimed him. He might die from his injuries, but that’s because he didn’t have the will to survive, like Sunday against the Bengals. 

8. I think I have to hand it to the San Francisco 49ers for the classy, tear-jerking way defensive end Bryant Young left the field — on his teammates’ shoulders — after his last home game. Beautiful. And so right for such a solid player. Young had two tackles, two quarterback hits and a pass deflected in the 21-19 upset, and, in a ritual usually reserved for the winning Super Bowl coach, Young’s teammates hoisted him on their shoulders and carried him off the field. Great job, Niners.

Tear-jerking? Beautiful? You’da think I was reviewing “Atonement,” here. I wasn’t. Here’s my review of Antonement: Atonement is a taut, beautifully-drawn action-romance with stellar performances from James McAvoy, Keira Knightly and Vanessa Redgrave. On the whole, however, I found the ending to be unbelievable and the middle third dragged on like a Falcons-49ers game on the NFL Network. 

10. I think these are my non-football thoughts of the week:

b. The fact that, in the NHL, New Jersey played in Edmonton last Friday for the first time in six years — a stupid, maddening, fan-hating practice — is one more reason to laud the league, barely, for fixing its schedule.

The fixed version is better than nothing, but still not good enough. I am so sick of Devils-Islanders and the Regional Hockey League, which has each team in one conference playing teams in the opposite conference once every three years. Now teams will play six games against division foes, 40 against other conference teams and 18 against the 15 teams in the opposite conference.

That’s still not enough, as far as I’m concerned. If I’m in Edmonton, why should seeing Sidney Crosby and Martin Brodeur every other year be good enough? Every team should play every other team home and away, minimum, every season.

I figured I could get this in at the end of the column without losing too many readers. 

c. I don’t know  Stuart Scott, but I am pulling for him in his fight against cancer. Get well, Stu.

How, you ask, is it possible that I don’t know Stu after years of being at the same events (note I didn’t say ‘covering’). That’s a Stu question, I think.

f. By the by, you can now purchase some of the best dark coffee out there, Colgate Blend, online through the Colgate bookstore. I recommend it very highly. It’s Italian roast in its intensity. If you care: http://colgatebookstore.com/gifts/2007/12/bcoffee.html

I dare say, this one was All-King. 

g. The merriest of Christmases to you who celebrate tomorrow, and the happiest of holiday seasons to all. In honor of the day, I hope you don’t mind me skipping my Tuesday column this week. I’ll be back with 6,000 fresh words next Monday, including these topics: figuring out the coach of the year, telling you my choice for Enlightened and Unselfish Football Player of the Year, and an all-pro choice or two.

And here, on Coffeenerdness, I’m going to rip myself a new one for my awful preseason selections!

BRUCETON, Tenn. — “Ladies and gentleman,” the Northwest flight attendant intoned last Wednesday evening, “our scheduled flight time from New York to Memphis today is two hours and 39 minutes. And if you’re one of our valued WorldPerks members, you’ll be credited with 986 miles for this flight.”

Intoned! Look at me, just throwing my vocabulary around.

That’s when it hit me: My God, George Martin has walked this. All of it.

You may remember Martin as a 14-year New York Giant, an athletic defensive end who had a few moments of fame, including his sack of John Elway just before halftime of Super Bowl XXI; the safety started the G-men on a run of 26 unanswered points that opened the door to a 39-20 win. Martin is doing something slightly more important now.

I know what you’re saying, What’s more important that football? And I know why you’re saying it, ’cause you spent Monday Morning reading a column, albeit a very good one, about football. Well, let me rain on your parade a little – saving lives is slightly more important than football.

Martin began walking from New York to San Francisco in September, and on Thursday, with me and an HBO crew in tow, he walked the 1,000th mile of his trip just outside this little town. (You can see a profile of Martin’s walk Wednesday night on HBO’s Inside the NFL show. You can even see me keeping up with him for all of Thursday’s 18 miles. And let me tell you, the man can walk.)

And I know this because I, too, can walk. I lost a ton of weight in recent years. See that picture? That’s me, svelte. I don’t know about the pants George is wearing though. Good cause, bad pants, big fella.

Martin is walking to raise money and awareness for the mental and physical health problems that first-responders to the terrorist attacks at Ground Zero have suffered. Martin has raised $1.5 million of his $10 million goal; matching donors at three New York-area hospitals will boost the count to $3 million. Approximately 40,000 firefighters, police, EMS and volunteers have been affected by the inhalation of toxic contaminants from the pulverized buildings — and have contracted lung disease and even cancer — because most worked without protective masks. Even worse, some of those workers don’t have health insurance, and a majority have inadequate health insurance to deal with the onslaught of new treatments they must use to stave off disease. At least eight first-responder deaths, including one of a nun, have been directly connected to Ground-Zero poisoning.

You might ask who I’m going to vote for in the Republican Primary. Well, not Giuliani, that’s for sure, because he hasn’t championed this cause, leaving real champions like George Martin to pick up the slack. Not McCain either, because he’s a little too old for the job. Not Romney, because Mormons give me the willies. Not Thompson because the actor-turned-President has been done already – and done so well. Not Huckabee because he lacks the foreign policy experience to be president. And not one of the members of the lunatic fringe, like Ron Paul, Mike Gravel or Tom Tancredo. So…

“Have you watched film of that day?” Martin asked when we met on this morning. “Watch the scenes of all the people running from the site. Thousands of them. Then watch the people who are actually running toward the site, and watch the firefighters running into the buildings

“It astounds me. It’s so counter-intuitive. But have we forgotten the events of that horrible day? Have we grown tired of the aftermath? If so, shame on us. When the first fatality came, it barely caused a whimper in the media. But I was touched deeply.”

Me too. But I haven’t forgotten, not this American. That’s why I’m proud to announce that I will be supporting the President of 9/11, Rudy Giuliani, in the Republican Primaries. And you should, too. Short of walking 3,300 miles, its the best way to show that you haven’t forgotten. I just think he’ll be tough on terrorism.

He had to do something. But what? Run a golf tournament to raise money for the second wave of 9/11 victims? A banquet?

“I was an impressionable kid,” he said. “I grew up in the time of the Kennedys. And I was really struck by two things they said. President Kennedy said, ‘Ask not what your country can do for you. Ask what you can do for your country.’ Bobby said, ‘Some men see things as they are and say why? I dream of things that never were and say why not.’ I met people, healthy people in their 40s and 50s, who can’t walk up stairs anymore, who have to decide whether to spend the money they have on medicine or food but sometimes not both. If I didn’t do something to help this issue, then I wasn’t the man I thought I was.”

I know what you’re asking, Why didn’t you save this for the print edition of Sports Illustrated so it could eligible for the Pulitzer? That’s a question for my editors. And, no, I’m not pleased with their decision.

These people need money, Martin thought, and not just $200,000. They need big money. He thought, “I’ve got do something big” and then, “This country needs to be reminded of the suffering of these heroes, and we’ve got to urge those in government to not forget them.”

Rudy, Rudy, Rudy! I was thinking, Rudy’s theme music should be the theme music to “Rudy.” It’s not rocket science. It just works, people.

So he took a leave from his job as a vice president at AXA Equitable in New York to walk 3,300 miles — from the George Washington Bridge to the Golden Gate Bridge, via the southern route because he’d be walking in the fall and winter. He decided he would do every interview, talk to everyone he met along the way about the issue, and stop at schools to spread the word. In essence, he set out to do something Kennedyesque.

Which worked in the 60′s, and worked quite well. But everyone grows up. I know a lot of my readers are younger, impressionable men. Let me impress this upon you, Rudy Giuliani is the only man who knows the threat of Islamic terrorism. I hope this doesn’t come off as racist, but Barack Obama sounds like someone who would be on their side, not ours. Sounds like. And Hillary Clinton is a woman. I’ve never been in favor of women in the military. Just makes no sense. Commander-in-Chief is the COMMANDER of the military. How can I look my daughters in the face and tell them that Daddy thinks he can go against the basic tenets of his character this one time and vote for a woman in the military? Giuliani ’08.

Which brings us to Tennessee last Thursday. We started in Camden, in Benton County, on state highway 641 south just outside the Faith Christian Fellowship Church, on day 56 of his walk (he has taken some days off for personal events, like his son’s wedding).

Terror never takes a holiday, though. Keep that in mind in November.

This is how much we walk: A reporter from a paper in Benton County pulls over on the side of the road a mile into the morning’s walk, just after we turn onto U.S. 70, and asks Martin what he’s doing. That afternoon, around 4, a reporter from the next county’s paper, in Carroll County, is waiting by the side of the road where another impromptu interview happens.

I got to be honest here. I think they were all a little more excited to see me than George. Not to take anything away from his momentous achievements, just reporting the facts here.

He talks about the impact of Bill Parcells a lot. “Every day I think about him, and about the lessons he taught me about so many things,” Martin said. “Sometimes I’ll be out here on the road and he’ll call me. The other day he called and said, ‘Hey Martin, you gotta get out of Tennessee! Winter’s coming.’ Bill’s been great. He’s the one who made the donation that got us over $1 million.”

Parcells gave $10,000. Jim Fassel and Mark Bavaro have also given.

I found it particularly big of Fassel, given that he has no chance of ever holding down a coaching job in the NFL ever again.

Martin travels with a medical technician to make sure that he’s properly hydrated, a former New York City cop who walks with him and provides security, and an advance man to help with publicity and the scouting of the routes. On this day, Lee Reeves, the advance man, has arranged for Martin to meet the police, fire and EMS workers in Bruceton (pop. 1,554), a railroad burg on the Big Sandy River, then to speak an impromptu school assembly at the K-12 school in town.

The school principal has downloaded Martin’s theme song, “Walk a Mile in My Shoes,” and it’s playing when he walks into the gym. When Martin takes the mike, you can tell he’s done this before. He tells the kids people have called him a hero, but he never saved anyone’s life or taught classes how to read. Those are the heroes, he tells the kids.

See what I’m saying about a theme song? Not brain surgery, people.

And he has the kids give ovations to the police and fire and EMS workers, and another one to the teachers. The kids are rapt. And he tells them why he’s making the walk, to help people like the ones who protect them every day.

Then he takes the police, fire and EMS folks out to lunch at a Mexican place. He’s in no hurry. The mayor comes by to say hello. By 2:15, he’s stretching again, then back on the road, where he sees an Amish family clip-clop by in their horse-and-buggy. “I don’t know there were Amish people here,” he said. “You find out a lot you didn’t know by taking this walk.”

Got me thinking, would you rather have an Amish president or a Mormon president? I vote Amish – you know what you’re getting there.

Martin is looking for a hotel sponsor, to house his small crew along the way. He’s looking for a gas sponsor for his two support vehicles. I asked Martin how the people who read this column could help his cause.

I have a hunch that he’ll get that hotel sponsor now that I mentioned it in my column. That’s my small part, George. You’re welcome, old friend.

“People are in awe of the feat, of someone walking from New York to California,” he said. “But that doesn’t help us achieve our objective. Tell people to go to ajourneyfor 911.info and please help the people who put their lives on the line for us –and are paying so dearly for it now.”

‘Tis the season.

If you believe in what Martin is doing, or if you love where you live, or both, ajourneyfor911.info should be your first stop today. Click on the donate bar. One man can make a difference. And you can help him prove it.

Sometimes a man is tasked with writing a football column about brutes who battle it out in weather both inclimate and calm over a oblong ball made from pig. And sometimes this man sees the potential of this column du football that expands far beyond the implicit limitations set by a faceless corporate governance. He uses it, utilizes it, to promote a man, who promotes a cause far greater than any of us. And a presidential candidate who I just think will be tough on terrorism. What would you call such a man, such a columnist? A hero? No, he’s not a hero. The police officers and firefighters and teachers are heroes. But is he the equal of a great football player, like George Martin? It’s hard to say.

Wrapping Up Week 15

There’s not much drama left. Seven of the eight division titles have been clinched with two weeks left. I’m having trouble remembering less intrigue at the end of a season. Dallas, Green Bay, Tampa Bay and Seattle are locked into NFC titles. New England, Indianapolis and San Diego have clinched in the AFC. The only division left to decide — and who’d have predicted this three months ago — is the AFC North, where the Browns and Steelers are tied with 9-5 records.

That was my best impression of ESPN.com’s John Clayton, telling you information that you already know.

Pittsburgh holds the tiebreaker because of its season sweep of the Browns, and if the Steelers were playing well, I’d say they were a lock. But they aren’t. They go to St. Louis for the Thursday-nighter this week, then finish at Baltimore. (Combined Ram/Raven record: 7-21.) And don’t you think the woebegone Ravens would love to knock Pittsburgh out of a division title? They hate the Steelers. Cleveland has Cincinnati on the road and San Francisco (combined record: 9-19) at home.

So, I’m picking the Browns to win the AFC Central and the Steelers to win the AFC central.

Most likely wild-card matchups: Giants at Tampa Bay, Minnesota at Seattle in the NFC; Jacksonville at the AFC North champ, the AFC North runnerup at San Diego. “We don’t fear going anywhere to play,” Jacksonville QB David Garrard said last night. “We think we match up well with physical teams like Pittsburgh.”

Leave it to the African-American Tony Romo, so say something so Favre-esque. Garrard might be position himself to be the African-American Favre. Had you told me two years ago that I was thinking about naming someone “The African-American Favre,” I’d have called you crazy!

It shows. Jacksonville has beaten the Steelers on two straight trips to Heinz Field, playing the kind of northeast December football the Giants used to play. Fred Taylor road-graded Pittsburgh for 147 yards and Garrard played another steady game. The two teams I wouldn’t want to play in January: Jacksonville, Minnesota. The team I would: The Giants.

The whole list, from teams I least want to play to the teams I most want to play: Jacksonville, Minnesota, Green Bay (angling for homefield), New England (duh), Dallas, Cleveland, San Diego, Seattle, Tampa Bay, New Orleans, Indy (I don’t trust them), Chicago, Buffalo, Washington, Philly, The Giants.

Not only are the New Yorkers not playing well right now (offensive output the last seven weeks: 13, 20, 16, 17, 21, 16 and 10 points), but they’ve lost Jeremy Shockey to a broken leg. They had at least nine drops last night in a bad loss to Washington, and Eli Manning is struggling enough without his receivers being so bad.

Ugly, ugly game, but I don’t know how bad of a thing losing Shockey. Maybe Kevin Boss can do for the Giants what Todd Collins has done for the Redskins.

Jamal Lewis is rescuing Cleveland. Last January, when Lewis had minor ankle surgery to clean out some bone spurs, the doctor told him he’d be surprised at how good his range of motion in the ankle would be. And last night, after his 14th game on the new wheel, Lewis said he hasn’t felt this good this late in a season in years. “No pain,” he said. “I couldn’t be happier with the way I feel.”

It’s hard to do a story about Jamal Lewis, especially in the times of Michael Vick, without mentioning that he’s a former convict.

And he’s running like a spry Jerome Bettis. Cleveland needed a big body in Sunday’s snowstorm, and Lewis gave them 33 carries for 163 yards. Irony of the day: Before the game, Willie McGinest and Lewis were in the trainers’ room, getting ready to go out, and McGinest said, “This reminds me exactly of the night we played Oakland in that snow game in the playoffs with the Patriots.” And this one ended almost the same way, with an unlikely 49-yard field goal by Phil Dawson through a gale, the same way Adam Vinatieri kicked a field goal through a snowstorm against the Raiders.

Irony or coincidence? I never can get those two straight. Readers, help me out here!

I remember going to Cleveland last summer and seeing Lewis running like he had new legs, and listening to him say what a great year he thought he was going to have. When I wrote that, there were smirks and a bunch of you-gullible-idiot looks from peers in the business. The ’07 number: 251 carries, 1,084 yards, nine touchdowns, with a couple of Bettis-like piggyback carries of defenders.

I’m not naming names when I say that Len Pasquerelli was one of the doubters, just stating facts. Who’s gullible now, Len? Who has better hair now, Len?

The Fine Fifteen

1. New England (14-0). “This game let everyone know we’ve got a running game,” Laurence Maroney said via the cell phone after the 20-10 win over the Jets. Maroney has been under the microscope for a lack of durability, and he’d rushed it only 37 times in the last four games. Against the Jets, he ran 26 times for 104 yards — both season highs.

For some reason, I think Mr. Maroney was the only one who felt the need to show that the Patriots had a running game. He did talk to me via the cell phone after the game, though.

2. Indianapolis (12-2). Colts 21, Raiders 14. Kind of a mail-in affair.

Did I ever tell you about my cousin who has a mail-order bride? She was actually a medical student in Cambodia. Bright girl. Hot, too. They have a kid, Gucci, who’s 5, and can’t talk, yet. Aside from that, though, I think mail-order brides and the men who order them get a bad rap. Let’s focus on bigger problems, people.

3. Dallas (12-2). When a quarterback injures his thumb badly enough that it has to be X-rayed; and when he needs help after the game taking off his equipment, it may sound OK when the medical report comes back negative. But have you had a badly sprained thumb? Does it feel peachy six days later? I don’t think so. And Dallas has the short week before traveling to Carolina for the Collinsworthian Saturday night affair on the NFL Network.

Collinsworthian. Thank goodness. Who can listen to Neon Deion? Seriously?

4. Green Bay (12-2). Maybe we’re record-weary, but it’s amazing how a mark with as much juice as the career passing-yardage mark passes without much fanfare. Brett Favre now owns ‘em all.

No, I am not taking a week off from Favre-praise because of that salacious non-story on Kissmesuzy.blogspot.com last week. This was a one week experiment to see how much Favre coverage there would be in a world here I didn’t focus on him as my main story. Turns out, not much. Am I the last sane man, the last who extols the virtues of Favre? If so, it is a burden – nay honor – I accept.

5. San Diego (9-5). When the team’s third running back, Darren Sproles, rushes for 122 yards, it’s a clear sign the Bolts are rounding into postseason shape.

This is more of a ‘feel’ clear sign than a ‘fact’ clear sign.

6. Jacksonville (10-4). “We play in the heat,” David Garrard said via cell phone last night, “but we’re built for the cold.” Sunday’s 29-22 win at Pittsburgh was played in a 25-degree wind chill, the first time all season the Jags have played with the game time temperature colder than 62 degrees. I watched it, and Garrard’s right. This is a power team.

Built for the cold, eh? Mr. Garrard is very savvy. Favre-savvy.

7. Pittsburgh (9-5). Nice to see Troy Polamalu back, but even he couldn’t keep the Steelers from losing their second-consecutive game.

You guessed it, I didn’t watch this game! So, sue me.

8. Minnesota (7-6). I just might like the Vikings more than they deserve to be liked.

I like them like sex cruise operators like them. Oh! Too Easy!

9. Tampa Bay (9-5). “I’ve got no fear my back’s going to flare up again,” Jeff Garcia said after the Bucs 37-3 win over the Falcons. “If it was a disc, that would be one thing. But it was just a back bruise.” What a great marriage between Garcia and Jon Gruden.

As always when I make thinly-veiled references to the rumors that Jeff Garcia is gay, I must mention that this is, in no way, a reference to the rumor that Jeff Garcia is gay.

10. Tennessee (8-6). Vince Young looked terrific.

We all agreed on this: Tiki, Cris, Costas, the Bus, Elliot Kalb, the stat guys, the crew guys, the video nerds, the women. All of us. Except, you guessed it, Olbermann.

11. Cleveland (9-5). Braylon Edwards is really a terrific player. He made two incredible catches in the snow. And you know how I feel about Jamal Lewis, who has been incredible this year — the best he’s looked since 2004.

Redundant much? Gotta be fair, here, to myself.

12. Seattle (9-5). Matt Hasselbeck wasn’t very happy about going away from his game plan after, in his words, “the second play of the game” in the surprising loss at Carolina.

I’m tired of Seattle. I just have nothing to say about them. I never really did. I hate their colors, their city, their players. Everything is just so BLAH. Mike Holmgren, you deserve better.

13. Washington (7-7). Somehow, with Todd Collins playing like Spergon Wynn, the Redskins built a 17-3 halftime lead and coasted home in the igloo also known as the Meadowlands.

Spergon Wynn. I kill myself.

14. New York Giants (9-5). An easy team to diss. Don’t look now, but Minnesota easily could pass them for the fifth seed. Well, not easily, but it’s certainly doable. If the Giants go 1-1 in their last two, the Vikes can win the No. 5 seed by beating Chicago and Washington (at home) and Denver (on the road) — all games the Vikes should be favored in.

Dissed!

15 (tie). Philadelphia (6-8). No team in football played better this year against New England and Dallas. So saith Elliott Kalb, and I buy it.

And some pretty formidable teams have played both the Patriots and the Cowboys – the Redskins, the Jets, the Bills and the Dolphins. If you’re first among that group, you’ve earned respect.

15 (tie). Houston (7-7). 2008 playoffs, here they come.

Don’t hold me to it! Unless I’m right, then I’ll hold myself to it.

The Awards Section

Offensive Players of the Week

Cleveland RB Jamal Lewis. Remember back in August, when everyone thought this 28-year-old back coming off two ankle surgeries was washed up? He continued to prove everyone wrong Sunday, leading the Browns to the verge of the playoffs with an 8-0 win over Buffalo. Lewis had the second-most carries of his career (33) for 163 rushing yards. For the year, he has 251 carries for 1,084 yards. Most impressive, really, is his 4.3 yards per carry, because he got the rap in Baltimore of being a bad yards-per-carry guy.

Redundant much? I’m just filet-ing myself here.

Miami QB Cleo Lemon. Not only did he have Miami’s first touchdown pass in 49 days (and the Dolphins first on this continent in 63 days), but also Lemon threw the game-winning touchdown pass on Miami’s first possession of overtime, a 64-yarder to second-year wideout Greg Camarillo. For the day, Lemon earned his first NFL win by going 23-of-39 for 315 yards, one TD and no interceptions.

I feel so good about throwing Miami a bone, I’m going to do it again. Consider it my George Martin-esque act of the day.

Defensive Player of the Week

Houston DE Mario Williams. His 3.5-sack effort against Denver helped the Texans get back to .500 with a 31-14 win over the Broncos on Thursday night. If you watch Williams now, you see a rusher playing with the confidence of a Michael Strahan. With 13 sacks in 14 games, Williams ranks second in the NFL in that category, behind only Patrick Kerney.

Not going to say I told you so, but….

Miami DE Jason Taylor. My little NBC nugget on this game: Before Ravens-Dolphins, Taylor saw Don Shula on the field and approached him to say: “We’re gonna turn this thing around, coach. And we’re going to start today.” Prescient guy. Four tackles, two sacks and a blocked field goal later, he put his effort where his mouth was, and the Dolphins were off the schneid.

I don’t know. Two awards just doesn’t feel like enough for the Dolphins this week. After all, they avoided going 0-14 for the second time in league history. I wonder if I can find one more award for them somewhere.

Coach of the Week

Miami coach Cam Cameron. “If we saved coach Cam’s job, that makes me happy, because he’s been a great coach for us,” Cleo Lemon said over the phone last night. Maybe they did, maybe they didn’t. All I know is: The Dolphins played very, very hard in their 22-16 win, and Jason Taylor got choked up giving his coach a game ball … and this kind of stuff doesn’t happen when players lose respect for their coach. Here’s one thing column contributor Todd Starowitz pointed out: Miami’s leading passer (Cleo Lemon), rusher (Samkon Gado) and receiver (Greg Camarillo) in this game were all free agents not drafted out of college. And this is what Cameron has to take into battle these days.

Alright. Now, I have done my duty! Miami Dolphins take home a trifecta of awards. I hope that’s a consolation to you, denizens of Miami.

Goat of the Week

Former Atlanta coach Bobby Petrino. Idiot. Weasel. One day after having permission to speak to Arkansas denied him by the man who hired him for $4.8 million a year last winter, Petrino went ahead and talked to Arkansas anyway. Then he rode out of Atlanta for Fayetteville under the cover of darkness.

More adjectives for Petrino: Ass, Asshole, Baby, Bitch, Blow Job, Boob, Boobie, Bubblehead, Canary, Chicken, Clam, Cock, Cockroach, Dick, Dickhead, Dickweed, Doodie, Doodle, Dumbass, Evil, F*g, Fairy, Flamer, Gay, Girl, Glam Rock Diva, Hero (sandwich), Hothead, Imbecile, Jerk, Joke, Journeyman, Kisser of Asses of Arkansas Alumnae, Kid, Loser, Losah, Loozah, Man (not!), Mensch (not!), Nancy, O, Pansy, Tool, Zero, Zilch, Zip, Zippo, Zilcho, Nothing, No one, Nobody, No one, Nada, Scratch, Empty, Zero.

I understand why he did it — he felt he was 100 miles away from winning (he was); he felt the Falcons’ front office — particularly GM Rich McKay — wasn’t good enough to rebuild the team in a hurry (he might be right); and he missed college football. So Petrino pulled the most irresponsible act I’ve seen in coaching in the 23 years I’ve covered the NFL — taking a job where it’ll be easier to win and he can treat the players like doormats; and there’s not a darn thing they can do about it.

What I’m saying is that I understand the depths of his evil.

One last thing: If the other coaches in the SEC use Petrino’s carpetbagging skullduggery against him, good for them. I hope it works. That wouldn’t be negative recruiting. It would be truthful recruiting.

Just like my list of adjectives isn’t negative journalism, it’s truthful journalism.

Quote of the Week I

“I love you guys! [Bleep], I’m gonna start crying.”

– Miami defensive end Jason Taylor, to his teammates in the Miami locker room after the Dolphins won their first game of the year.

The tough sonafabitch inside me wants to scream “There’s no crying in football!” But I won’t. This is a nice moment for Jason. I’m gonna let him have it.

Quote of the Week II

“It looked like something I saw on the discovery channel. Like something about the North Pole.”

– Buffalo running back Marshawn Lynch , on the weather conditions at Cleveland Browns Stadium on Sunday.

This guy went to Berkeley, he knows a thing or two about knowledge. A thing or two at most.

Stat of the Week

Now that New England has joined Miami’s 1972 team as the only clubs to post a 14-0 record in an NFL regular season, let’s compare the teams.

First — and do not mistake this for Dolphin-bashing, because it’s the clear and simple truth — Miami’s schedule was minor-league compared to the Pats’ through 14 weeks. In 1972, Miami did not play a team that finished the season with more than eight wins. The 8-6 Giants and Chiefs were the toughest tests. There were six teams with 10 wins or more other than Miami in 1972, and through quirks of the schedule, Miami faced none of them. Incredibly, the ’72 Dolphins faced none of the other seven NFL playoff teams during the regular season, then won all three playoff games narrowly — by six, four and seven points.

New England, meanwhile, is 4-0 against division leaders and has won those games by an average of 15 points.

I probably could have ended this section here. You get where I’m going, right?

But Miami was not a marginally good team that year — the Dolphins were superb. No team since the ’72 Dolphins has led the NFL in points, points allowed, total yards and total yards allowed. That’s an amazing and dominant feat. “The most special collection of players ever assembled,” Don Shula said at halftime of yesterday’s Ravens-Dolphins game. New England might have something to say about that in early February.

See, like I just used a chart to reiterate the point I made before it, in unnecessary detail.

New England is markedly different on offense than Miami was. The Dolphins had a 69-to-31 run-to-pass ratio, with Larry Csonka (1,117) and Mercury Morris (1,000) rushing for 1,000 yards and Earl Morrall and Bob Griese (who broke his ankle in midseason, causing him to miss nine starts) splitting time at quarterback and accounting for just 2,235 passing yards. New England’s run-pass ratio is 42-to-58 this year.

And I forgot to draw any conclusions from this set of information. Really just a waste of your time, sorry.

MVP Watch

1. Tom Brady, QB, New England. When Peyton Manning led the Colts to a 12-4 record in 2004 and had a record-setting 49 touchdowns and only 10 interceptions, he received 47 of 48 votes for the Most Valuable Player award from a panel of the nation’s football media. Brady has led the Pats to 14-0 with 45 touchdowns and six picks.

Considering that all the variables that come with two independent MVP votes 3 seasons apart happen to be exactly the same in these two instances, you see what I’m getting at.

2. Tony Romo, QB, Dallas. Yikes. I haven’t seen him play a crummy game since Seattle in last year’s playoffs. A good old-fashioned clunker (13-of-36) might not be the worst news, though. His throwing thumb is sprained, and it could plague him Saturday at Carolina in a game the Cowboys suddenly must win to ensure they don’t go to Green Bay on Jan. 20.

I forgot the good news – they’re playing Carolina.

3. Brett Favre, QB, Green Bay. The Packers are 12-2 and have clinched a bye with two weeks left. Favre set the record for career passing yards at St. Louis on Sunday with a 227-yard passing day, giving him 61,405 yards, weeks after he set career records for quarterback wins and touchdown passes.

Remember when I said he had all the records earlier in this column? This is what I meant specifically.

4. Peyton Manning, QB, Indianapolis. You’re probably trying to remember who had that other MVP vote in 2004, aren’t you? Michael Vick.

How’s that for coincidence!? Or is it irony? This might actually be satire.

5. Fred Taylor, RB, Jacksonville. Taylor has four straight 100-yard rushing games and has become a big-time leader for a 10-4 Jags team that is suddenly an offensive juggernaut.

Not Paging Randy Moss! Not Paging Randy Moss? You are no longer needed in the MVP discussion, Randy Moss.

Factoid of the Week That May Interest Only Me

On Dec. 16, 1972, at 1 p.m. in Miami, the Dolphins beat Baltimore to run their record to 14-0.

On Dec. 16, 2007, at 1 p.m. in Miami, the Dolphins beat Baltimore to run their record to 1-13.

This actually doesn’t even interest me anymore.

Ten Things I Think I Think

1. I think these are my quick-hit thoughts about Week 15:

a. You’ve got to hear the Miami radio call of the moment the Dolphins beat Baltimore. As Keith Olbermann said on NBC last night, any similarity between that call and the radio call of the Hindenburg disaster is purely coincidental.

Leave it to Olbermann to bring up a national tragedy when another was just avoided.

b. The 56-yard punt by Dave Zastudil through the snow and wind in Cleveland, a punt that nestled into the snow, dead, at the Buffalo 2, was the best individual play of Week 15.

And, outside of the games I didn’t watch, I saw them all.

c. Let’s not forget about the Saturday night game, even though only six or seven people saw Niners-Bengals. Nobody’s heard of Shaun Hill, the quarterback of the Niners who now has completed 78 percent of his throws in two weeks. But a couple more games like Hill’s first two and Alex Smith‘s going to have some competition in training camp next year. Deservedly.

Who knows, Hill might be the next AJ Feeley?!

d. I hate Baltimore’s Brian Billick not going for the touchdown on fourth-and-a-foot late in the fourth quarter, choosing to kick a field goal to force overtime instead. Way, way too safe. That wouldn’t have mattered if Matt Stover had made a relative chippy field goal in overtime. But I still would have gone for the win in regulation because it’s a better strategic risk.

Really, I just hate Brian Billick, like the rest of the football-media.

e. There’s nothing better in the NFL than a snow game with playoff implications. Couldn’t take my eyes off Browns-Bills.

Not Favre, not Madden, not nothing!

j. Drew Brees, 26-of-30. How good is this guy?

I can answer that. He’s a top 75 quarterback of all-time. A top 7 in the NFL right now and just had his best week of the year. THAT’S how good he is.

k. The Colts give off the air of a team on auto-pilot, hoping nothing goes wrong before the real season begins.

There’s a lot to be said for auto-pliot, though. Flies planes, don’t it?

2. I think I’ve got this to say about Roddy White and his “Free Mike Vick” T-shirt: Grow up, Roddy White. Michael Vick is not a man who was entrapped or screwed by the system. He’s a man who knew he was doing wrong, lied to tried to hide it and was caught and found guilty. Then, after being told he needed to walk the straight and narrow, tested positive for marijuana, and was sentenced to 23 months in jail for dog fighting. Perhaps a bit heavy-handed, but 18 months, 23 months … what really is the difference? You did the crime, you do the time.

As far as the T-shirt goes, you save those kind of slogans for people who have been truly wronged by the system, who have been jailed without cause or had their human rights violated heinously — not for a multi-millionaire who thought he could break the law and abuse animals because he was a famous athlete.

I can’t agree with myself more here. I’m totally right.

3. I think I have nothing against Mike Vick. In fact, I like him a lot. I have spent two or three sessions with him, alone, talking about football and a little about life. I just feel he is not above the law, the same way none of us are above the law. And I hope he comes back and is the best story in the NFL in 2010. We are a society of redemption, and I would love to see Vick redeemed. I would love to see him sign with, say, Baltimore Ravens GM Ozzie Newsome when he gets out of jail, play for Ravens coach Jason Garrett and set the league on its ear.

And for those who would like to think Vick would need to be something different from Classic Vick when he returns, I would like to give you a list. Here it is: Chris Redman, Matt Moore, Shaun Hill, Brock Berlin, Todd Collins, Cleo Lemon, Kyle Orton, Sage Rosenfels. Those eight quarterbacks have either started or played meaningful minutes (Orton will do so tonight) in the last eight days. And so I ask you: Are you out of your minds to suggest Vick would switch positions when he returns to the NFL? Why? Because quarterback is too complicated for someone coming out of prison? Come on. Vick will be a quarterback when he returns.

I just took the blackest man in America under my wing. Take that, my critics!

4. I think Charley Casserly would be in my top five for NFL Executive of the Year this year, and he hasn’t worked for the Texans in 20 months. Look back at his last draft, the 2006 draft, for Houston. First-round pick: North Carolina State defensive end Mario Williams, first overall. After finishing last year shakily, on an injured foot, with eight straight sackless games, Williams has 13 sacks, second in the league, this year …

Second-round pick: Alabama linebacker DeMeco Ryans, 33rd overall pick. He has more tackles (276) than any player in football since the start of the 2006 season … Third-round picks: Pitt tackle Charles Spencer, 65th overall pick, who has been injury-plagued since being drafted. University of Miami tackle Eric Winston, 66th overall pick. He’s been rock-solid, starting 21 games, including all 14 this year at right tackle … Fourth-round pick: Wisconsin tight end Owen Daniels, 98th overall pick. He leads the Texans with 739 receiving yards, fifth among all NFL tight ends. Casserly has had his share of clunkers over the years in the draft, but that’s one of the best hauls in recent years and is a solid backbone to a .500 team in a tough division.

It’s times like these that I regret Richard Justice’s columns frying Casserly for picking Mario Williams over Reggie Bush and Vince Young. You’re okay in my book, Casserly. Justice, you’re not living up to your name.

6. I think this is what I liked about Week 15:

a. Brian Moorman had a great game in the snow of Cleveland. Weird to say for a guy who averaged 35.9 yards per punt, but he was heads-up enough to kick a bad punt snap out of the end zone, which almost certainly saved the Bills five points. Then he was athletic enough to scurry for a first down on a fake punt.

If I don’t mention the punters, who will?

c. Darren Sproles. Tough, quick, Meggetish back with a future somewhere.

Meggetish, what all undersized RBs should aspire to be called by me.

d. We as a sporting media underrate Donald Driver. He’s a top 10 receiver in this league — tough, fast, incredibly sure-handed.

And by we, I mean you not me.

e. The plucky Eagles deserve our respect. They flooded the Dallas backfield with Jim Johnson‘s all-out schemes, and played well enough on offense to keep it away from the Cowboys. And how about Brian Westbrook passing up a touchdown and taking a seat at the one to help run down the clock? Smart and gifted player.

Remember when the Eagles lost to the Patriots, and we said close only counts in horseshoes and games against the Patriots? Well, games against the Cowboys count, too.

f. Jason Witten has 88 catches. He bulls like Bavaro.

Factoid that might only interest me: I’ve mentioned George Martin, Bill Parcells, Jim Fassell, Mark Bavaro and Dave Meggett in this column. These new Giants are so easy to diss, but those old Giants are so easy to incorporate into a column.

g. Aaron Stecker‘s a better every-down-type back than Reggie Bush. No doubt.

It has been declared, and therefore, it is!

j. Matt Moore would be in my plans for 2008 if I were the Carolina GM.

After one start. Yup. After one start. It was Some Start.

k. I’m running out of good things to say about Fred Taylor, but give me a minute.

Oh! He’s the offensive Albert Hanynesworth!

l. To think the Cowboys once traded down and ended up with Julius Jones instead of Steven Jackson. Jackson’s playing with an ouchy groin, and he outran the entire Packers defense on one run Sunday.

Ouchy groin. And they say I’m not subtle.

m. Wes Welker: 96 catches, 1,004 yards, nine touchdowns. But the Dolphins judged him to be worth the 60th pick in the draft by virtue of his trade to New England. Someone must teach me about this game someday.

I said sarcastically. I know all about this game. As I may have mentioned, I have been offered over 20 front office positions over the course of my career.

7. I think this is what I didn’t like about Week 15:

e. David Akers, who apparently can’t make a long kick anymore. He missed his eighth kick of 40 yards or more this year at Dallas.

That 57 yard kick he shanked off the upright against the Giants was particularly humiliating for him.

f. When the Giants put their minds to it, they can really look bad.

But, at least we know they’re focused on something other than Tiki.

8. I think Matt Ryan, the Boston College quarterback, is starting to distance himself in scouts’ eyes from the two other top quarterback candidates, Andre Woodson of Kentucky and Brian Brohm of Louisville. Colt Brennan will have the eyes of the NFL on him in Hawaii’s bowl game against Georgia. Second-round mini-sleeper: Joe Flacco of Delaware, who’s got a big arm and could climb the ladder.

That said, they’re all going to suck.

9. I think if I’m Arthur Blank, I steer clear of Bill Cowher, who isn’t coming out this year anyway and can’t make a quarterback-less team win. Blank should interview the following five current NFL aides: defensive coordinators Jim Schwartz (Titans) and Rex Ryan (Ravens), assistant head coaches Jim Caldwell (Colts) and Mike Singletary (49ers) and offensive coordinator Jason Garrett of Dallas. I think Garrett will likely stay put, but he might be the Mike Tomlin of this coaching season.

I read that first sentence again – it makes no sense! I advised a man to steer clear of an obstacle that won’t even be present! Huh? I write these at 3am, guys, I deserve a mulligan.

10. I think these are my non-football thoughts of the week:

a. If Tim Layden does not win an award for his story about recovering Buffalo Bill Kevin Everett in this week’s issue of Sports Illustrated, then there should not be journalism awards. A masterful, prescient, insightful, educational story, not only about the recovery of Everett against long odds, but about the doctor who bravely treated Everett and risked so much to do so. Everett comes off beautifully in this story — a great guy who is more concerned with his family than himself after he got hurt. And the doctor, Andrew Cappuccino, who was very open with Layden about how the controversial treatment that likely saved Everett from life in a wheelchair was so risky. Cappuccino talks openly about how, in the midst of the precedent-setting treatment lowering Everett’s body temperature to give him a better chance to avoid full paralysis, he thought of the chance he’d be wrong and lose his house and life savings because of a possible malpractice claim.

You don’t think that SI wanted to position this article as their awards-season favorite, relegating my piece on George Martin to the .com? I think I think I don’t either.

b. I’m proud to share the masthead with you, Tim. What a story.

Tim called me via blackberry phone later that day to tell me that he’s proud to share the masthead with me, as well.

e. Katie Couric didn’t get too much out of Alex Rodriguez in the 60 Minutes interview. No surprise there.

Call me old-fashioned, but I don’t want women in the military and I don’t want them delivering my national news from the anchor’s desk.

RUDY!

I was picking up a venti chai non-fat extra hot mocha latte this morning before getting to the studio to tape Inside the NFL when the Clemens news broke. Far be it for me to inject my moral judgment into this debate, but am I the only one who is sad to see Clemens on the list? Maybe I’m a Red Sox fan, but nothing means more to me than using my bully pulpit to take circumstantial evidence to indict people (like Bonds) for years while allowing Clemens to go off scott free. Having him named really takes so much of the fun out of my grand gestures of moralizing. Oh well, at least the Packers have another game this Sunday!

Here are my REAL thoughts on football this week.

NEW YORK — “And the legend grows,” Eddie George said just after 4 p.m. Sunday afternoon at the NBC studios, staring up at the nine-television wall the crew members of NBC’s Football Night in America fixate on every Sunday during the NFL season.

The legend of Tony Romo, he meant. George, a former Heisman Trophy winner, was in town for Saturday night’s Tebowfest and stayed over to visit with his good buddy Jerome Bettis and to see how our show is put together. He saw a little drama — the 16-yard Romo-to-Jason Witten touchdown that saved the Cowboys’ bacon in a 28-27 win at Detroit, the Chargers rebounding from a 17-3 deficit with 10 minutes left at Tennessee to win in overtime and the Giants clinching a playoff berth despite New York running back Brandon Jacobs trying desperately to give the Eagles a chance — in an otherwise pedestrian Week 14 Sunday of football.

I’ll be honest. I really dislike when people other than Bob, Bus, Tiki and Cris and some various crew members are in the nine-television room on Sundays with me. I like Eddie, sure. Very good player, could have been great, real nice guy, but seriously, does he have to talk so much? Eddie was waxing not-so-poetic on everything from why Darren McFadden was the Real Heisman winner to why Mike Huckabee is going to win the Republican nomination. Finally, I turned to him and said, “Eddie, if I put you in MMQB, will you pleeeaase Shut Up?!” There was a deafening silence, followed up by uproarious laughter from everyone in the room, Eddie included. Needless to say, that was the end of the Eddie George show.

The story of the day might be the Patriots re-establishing their mojo in crushing one of their last obstacles to perfection … and how fresh they might be heading into the last 19 days of their regular season. I’ll get to that, and to the headlines of the day, in a few paragraphs. But I want to lead with a cautionary tale for the owners — you know who you are, Wayne Huizenga and others — thinking about their coaches of the future.

This is my favorite thing to do. I love to help people out. It always leads to all those phone calls about hiring ME to be their GM or coach, but all you owners – Huizenga et al. – I’m not available.

I’d like to see owners stop looking for the miracle cure when they pick a coach. I’ve got proof it doesn’t work. Since 2000, by my count, NFL teams have hired seven big-money geniuses (average salary per year: $4.3 million) to take their teams to the promised land.

The Magnificent Seven: Nick Saban(Miami), Steve Spurrier (Washington),Dick Vermeil (Kansas City), Dennis Green (Arizona), Bill Parcells (Dallas), Joe Gibbs (Washington) and Bobby Petrino (Atlanta). They have coached a combined 21 years with those teams. Playoff appearances in those 21 years: 4. (It’s mathematically possible to be five this year, if the 6-7 Redskins run the table and get some help.)

Why did I picked these guys and not other well-paid coaches who lead their teams to lengthy playoff berths, super bowl appearances and championships? I wasn’t cherry-picking, as I’ve often been accused. I have good reasons for all.

Gruden? Too Young. Didn’t make enough money. So, it doesn’t matter that he was a big-name hire who won a Super Bowl. He’s never been in Petrino’s class.

Dungy? Didn’t make enough money. Doesn’t matter that his annual salary when he signed his Indianapolis deal in 2002 was higher than Dennis Green’s deal signed in 2005 or that he was a coach with a pretty impressive resume. That’s not what this was about.

Holmgren? Uh, uh, wait a sec! You didn’t read the rules. I said since 2000. Holmgren was hired in ’99. Last Millennium! The game has changed since then, big time.

Playoff wins in those 21 years: 1. Championship Game appearances: 0. Super Bowl appearances: 0. Gibbs won the playoff game with Washington, 17-10 over Tampa Bay in January 2006. Parcells made the playoffs in two of his four Dallas seasons. Vermeil had the other playoff season, a one-and-done job in 2003 with the Chiefs. One playoff win by the geniuses in 21 years.

Also, I’m purposely not including other things that happened in previous millennia, like Parcells getting two big contracts and being tasked with turning a team around – and succeeding. Or Vermeil getting a big money contract to coach his second team, losing his quarterback and then riding a supermarket bagger to a Super Bowl Title. Or Joe Gibbs winning three championships over the course of 9 years with three different quarterbacks. Ancient history.

I’ll get to the moral of the story here in a moment, but one last bit of they’re-not-who-we-thought-they-were data to make my point. The records of each coach with the team that hired him to turn the program around, including playoffs:

There’s something more important than a $4 million coach — a quarterback. Vermeil had a chance every year because he had Trent Green. Parcells milked Drew Bledsoe for a while, then gave the team a bright future by putting Romo in the lineup in 2006, his fourth and final year as coach. The Cowboys are glad he made the switch and are benefiting from it now .

I’ll be honest. Including Saban, Spurrier and Petrino in this group sort of felt intellectually dishonest. Sure, they made a lot of money – so they’re in the same group in that way – but college coaches almost never succeed in the Pros – and vice versa. For every Jimmy Johnson there are 10 Butch Davises (just as for every Pete Carroll there are ten Dave Wannstadts). And, Dennis Green isn’t exactly in the same class as Vermeil, Parcells and Gibbs – all coaches with rings and all coaches who made double what Green made. Can you really call the Parcells era in Dallas a failure, coming off of the Dave Campo years – or the Dick Vermeil tenure in Kansas City, after years of irrelevance? Well, if you group them in with lesser coaches who failed miserably and use a very wide brush to paint them all failures? Sure!

Saban never had a quarterback, and Green didn’t have one until Matt Leinart was drafted in the coach’s last year, 2006. Spurrier had a bunch of Shane Matthewses. Gibbs picked Jason Campbell in 2005 and waited too long to play him. Gibbs won’t get the full benefit of the brightness of Campbell’s future, obviously, because he may be in his last year. Petrino got jobbed by Michael Vick ‘s dog fighting conviction, and he’ll pick a quarterback of the future, most likely, high in the 2008 draft.

Coaches can’t do it without quarterbacks. What was Bill Belichick like before he put Tom Brady in the starting lineup early in 2001? A lot less of a genius. Look at the recently hired coaches who have succeeded. Mike McCarthy is 19-10 in two years coaching Green Bay — Brett Favre‘s resurgence has helped. Sean Payton got to the NFC title game last year, thanks largely to Drew Brees. Mike Tomlin‘s Steelers are 9-4 in his rookie coaching season, with a big assist to Ben Roethlisberger. Romeo Crennel was a lock for the unemployment line ’til Derek Anderson started throwing strikes all over the field for Cleveland this fall.

It seems like an obvious point, but to many football people don’t seem to get that having a great quarterback makes winning that much easier. Not brain surgery, people. Sometimes I wonder, though…

The moral of the story? Patience, a good personnel staff and a quarterback. I said on NBC last night that Huizenga does not want to fire Cam Cameron, 0-13 as a rookie head coach. The owner shouldn’t fire his head coach. He should give Cameron and GM Randy Mueller at least another year to put their program into place. If Huizenga doesn’t, what does that say about the hiring process that brought Cameron to south Florida last winter?

For the record, I was never for the Cam Cameron hiring. And you’ll never find anything on the internet – or the outernet – that says I was.

Yes, John Beck looks like anything but the Dolphins’ quarterback of the future. But look at the early-career resume of Phil Simms with the Giants and John Elway with Denver. It would be polite to say they struggled early in New York and Denver. Really, they stunk. But they hung around long enough to get a hard shell and some experience, and they became two of the best quarterbacks of their era, obviously.

I’m not predicting superstardom for John Beck. But, if he does become the next Tom Brady, can’t say I didn’t warn ya. If he flames out, can’t say I didn’t warn ya.

A month ago, Brad Childress looked like he might be in over his head, and Vikings quarterback Tarvaris Jackson was overmatched. Minnesota fans were thinking, “Hmmm. Donovan McNabb sure will look good in purple next year.”

The Vikes have gone on a 4-0 run since, with Jackson leading a run-heavy offense averaging 35 points a game — while completing a Brady-like 74 percent of his throws. Patience, people. Patience. So avoid the star system in the coaching office. Don’t go looking for an Urban Meyer to save your offense, or a Parcells to drag out of retirement again to put the fear of God in your undisciplined team. Doesn’t work.

Will I bash the inevitable Bill Cowher hiring? How ’bout the inevitable Kirk Frenetz hiring? Probably not. I’ll just hope that everyone forgets I wrote this column.

What caught my eye Sunday:

The faith Tony Romo showed in Jason Witten and the tight end’s historic day. “I should have been the goat today,” Witten said over the phone from Detroit. “But Tony didn’t give up on me.” With six minutes left, Romo hit Witten with a pass, and Witten bulled for what should have been the winning 10-yard touchdown … except he fumbled at the Lions 1, giving the ball back to Detroit.

“I’m coming back to you, so don’t worry,” Romo said to a downcast Witten, who thought he’d blown the game. When the Cowboys got it back, with 2:17 left on their 17, Romo drove the 83 yards, covering the last 16 yards with a throw to Witten running a skinny post, alone, near the goal line. Touchdown. As he usually does, Romo (35-of-44 on the day, another ridiculous day in a season full of them) sprinted to the end zone and screamed to Witten: “Way to make a play! You the man!” And he was, on this day.

There was a time I didn’t get the phrase “You’re the man!” Huh? I’m not saying that hip-hop culture has hurt our language, but from where else do declarations that one is the man come? The definitive article renders that phrase nonsense. Or so I thought. Now, I totally get it. I also like Jay-Z.

The Packers have a real, live star running back. This is not just a game or two of blessed relief for Brett Favre, who had to take the Green Bay offense on his shoulders for the first half of the season. It’s seven games. Over that span, Ryan Grant, acquired from the Giants for a sixth-round draft choice late in training camp, has averaged 102.4 yards per game. His 29-carry, 156-yard day against Oakland on Sunday was the kind of clock-eating performance Dorsey Levens used to give coach Mike Holmgren. “I really like the way he runs,” coach Mike McCarthy said afterward. “No wasted steps. One cut. Always moving forward. That’s the style in the NFL that works the best, I think. I’ve been around a few backs who run like that — Marcus Allen, Deuce McAllister, Frank Gore.”

Lofty company. Convenient that he came along in time for McCarthy to reduce Sunday’s workload on Favre, who still has some numbness in his throwing hand from the Nov. 29 banging of his funny bone on a Cowboy helmet.

My daughter, Mary Beth King, read this and said: “Lofty Company? That’s one legend, one okay guy and a one-hit wonder. That’s like comparing a guitarist to Eddie Van Halen, Pete Wentz and Eagle-Eye Cherry.” I thought it was cute that she thought Eddie Van Halen was a legend, don’t you?

Wasn’t this supposed to be New England’s toughest game since Indy? It was, but Belichick let his tired team — after three straight night games, culminating in the emotional Monday-nighter at Baltimore — skip practice on Wednesday and go lighter than usual Thursday and Friday. That’s not the sole reason the Patriots manhandled the Steelers, but it helped.

“In Baltimore, guys really felt beat down, tired,” defensive end Ty Warren said Sunday night. “It was a good idea to have a mental day Wednesday. The vibe in the locker room tonight — it sounds crazy — was like it was after the first game of the season. Guys feel fresh, like they’re not nicked up. There was a lot of exuberance in that room.”

That’s just another of the million reasons Belechick is a genius. Not practice? I never woulda guessed.

In the way: the 3-10 Jets, the 0-13 Dolphins (both at home) and the 9-4 Giants, in New Jersey. It’ll be interesting to see how both teams play that last game. If the Giants, with no bye week before their wild-card road game, are locked into the fifth seed, will they rest banged-up starters like Plaxico Burress? And will the Patriots, with a bye on the horizon, play their starters most of the game so they don’t get stale? That’ll be the game within a game in Week 17.

You heard it here first. The game, within the game, will be who the Giants and Patriots play. Mark it down.

The Fine Fifteen

1. New England (13-0). Has there ever been an easier path to 15-0? The next two foes, Jets and Dolphins, come to frigid Foxboro, a combined 3-23.

No. Never. And not just because the only other path to 15-0 in the NFL included a playoff game.

2. Indianapolis (11-2). Funny how they’ve become the NFL’s forgotten team while putting up 31, 28 and 44 points the last three weeks, and winning this year at Jacksonville, Tennessee and Baltimore. Perhaps an indication that Jan. 20 at Foxboro might not be such a house of horrors for Peyton Manning & Co.

Another Peter King exclusive: Maybe this year Peyton might just perhaps be okay in Foxboro, maybe! Another reason I love having my own column(s), I can really put myself out there.

3. Dallas (12-1). Name the quarterbacks you’d take over Romo for the next few years. Brady and Manning. OK. Now who? Big Ben, Carson Palmer? Maybe. But it’s a discussion.

I’m surprised that you don’t hear more about Romo. He’s one heckuva QB. The media’s gotta pull their head out of the sand on this guy.

4. Green Bay (11-2). No one heard of Ryan Grant 10 weeks ago. Now he’s the key to the Packers’ playoff fate.

Also, Favre was the Sportsman of the Year. This “blog” Kissing Suzy Kolber (wonder what that’s a reference to, wink wink) wrote a fictional account pretending to be me patting myself on the back for pushing Favre through on Sportsman of the Year: ( http://kissmesuzy.blogspot.com/2007/12/i-did-it-brett-i-made-you-sportsman-of.html ) It was funny, I guess. Silly idea – pretending to be me, but funny-ish. Inaccurate, but funny.

A few clarifications:

1. Believe it or not, Brett Favre was the unanimous selection for Sportsman of the Year. And we have 104 voters. The “My Sportsman” stories penned by SI writers were simply to fill up space and sell ads. Favre was first-place on all 104 ballots. Can’t make that up.

2. There’s a strong implication throughout the article that I am gay. Particularly gay for Brett Favre. This couldn’t be further from the truth. I have a family and two daughters, one of whom is named Mary Beth and goes to Colgate. I don’t like men. If I did like men, I wouldn’t like Brett Favre for sure. I’d imagine I’d be more of a bear.

3. The article assumes one side of an imaginary conversation between Brett Favre and myself. It’s patently absurd, in tone and content. I am FRIENDS with Brett (as I am with 98% of the league – 99% now that Sean Taylor is dead). We’ve sat on long bus rides together and talked about our family and our Gods. The insinuation that I am some kind of stalker is silly. The syntax and grammar is also terrible.

4. The Fake Peter King in this “blog” post calls Deanna Favre a “whore.” Let me make this clear: I. WOULD. NEVER. CALL. DEANNA. FAVRE. A. WHORE. NOR. WOULD. I. CALL. ANY. WOMAN. A. WHORE,. BITCH,. CUNT,. SLUT,. CUNTBAG,. CUNTSLUT,. WHORESLUT, SLORE, OR SIMILAR DEROGATORY TERM. ESPECIALLY. DEANNA. FAVRE. A. WOMAN. FOR. WHOM. I. HAVE. THE. UTMOST. RESPECT.

Funny, though, guys. Keep it up!

5. Pittsburgh (9-4). We’re all left to wonder how much of a factor Troy Polamalu would have been at the line of scrimmage in Foxboro last evening.

I know, he only plays up at the line of scrimmage 4-6 plays a game, but what those plays would have been life is really capturing my imagination right now.

6. Jacksonville (9-4). Jags at Steelers this week. Game of the Week. A Jag win and they’ve pretty much got the fifth playoff seed locked up.

I wanted to say “Game of the Weak.” Too mean. Mike Tomlin’s one helluva a coach. And David Garrard is the African-American Romo. I have too much respect for these guys.

7. Minnesota (7-6). I am bullish on the Vikes being the NFC’s sixth seed. Maybe the fifth. Look at the schedule: Chicago, Washington, at Denver. Look how they’re playing. Look at the competent quarterback.

Everyone understands that the Viking train start behind me, right?

8. Seattle (9-4). Matt Hasselbeck‘s four-TD day put him two short of his career high for touchdowns in a season. How nice that his little brother, Tim, was on the other sideline (Arizona’s) to witness it. And nice to see the Hawks get another three-sack day out of Patrick Kerney and three interceptions from Marcus Trufant. They’re clicking on all cylinders in the Pacific Northwest.

I don’t mean to imply that Tim Hasselback wasn’t firmly entrenched in rooting for the Cardinals, the team that employs him. I know Tim pretty well. There are few more fiery competitors, even when holding a clipboard. Nice-looking wife to boot.

9. San Diego (8-5). TV sets all over the southern tip of California had tomatoes thrown at them for three quarters (or longer) Sunday. Then Philip Rivers woke up from his nightmare and actually played competent football.

Remember when I called the 5-5 Chargers “frauds,” three weeks ago. Neither do I!

10. New York Giants (9-4). Plaxico Burress (900 yards, 10 touchdown catches) is campaigning very, very hard to get one of my two all-pro votes at wideout.

Only one is up for grabs. Unless he’s found to be American Al Qaeda, Wel Welker has got one locked down.

11. Tampa Bay (8-5). Think the Bucs are flukish? A lie. Three different quarterbacks have engineered the team’s last four games. Including the kicker and punter, 23 of their 24 starters are signed at least through the end of 2009. (Only center Jon Wade will be a free-agent next March.) Good thing the Glazers hung onto Jon Gruden after last year’s debacle.

I’ll admit. I have to have a few latenight Hazelnut lattes to meet my deadline. It amps me up, sure, but sometimes I write things just to get this column finished with. That’s why I love writing these follow-ups on Coffeenerdness so much, I can critique myself. Like here, for example, I’m not really sure what difference it makes if “three different quarterbacks engineer the team” if they lose to the Texans. Right? I was so high on Hazelnut. Forgive me.

12. Tennessee (7-6). Isn’t it funny how, looking back at the 2006 draft, we all laughed at Houston for even suggesting Mario Williams was better than Vince Young? Who’s laughing now?

The team starting Sage Rosenfels at quarterback, that’s who!

13. Cleveland (8-5). I wish the Browns, just once, would put away a team they should put away. But as NBC stat maven Elliott Kalb pointed out last night, we’re getting to Jamal Lewis season, when he can ground out a couple of wins in 13-degree wind chill and swirling flurries and get the Browns into the playoffs.

Ah, to be a young stat maven livin’ in New York City. Elliot, my man, you have the life.

14. Buffalo (7-6). The offense is catching up to the defense. Trent Edwards (four touchdown passes in the win over Miami) gives the Bills a fighting chance in their big playoff-implication game this week at Cleveland.

Edwards is the real deal. Sure, he completed only 48% of his passes, but 36% of those completed went for touchdowns! Some guys just have a nose for the endzone. Trent Edwards, with four touchdowns over his past two games, is one of them.

15. Washington (6-7). A reward for their perseverance — and for the best game of Todd Collins‘ life.

Now that they’re in the Fine Fifteen, the Redskins can finally have peace.

The Awards Section

Offensive Player of the Week

Washington QB Todd Collins. I never thought I’d be writing that name into the “Offensive Player of the Week” slot. Before last Thursday night, the 36-year-old Collins’ last completion was three years ago. His last touchdown pass was five years ago. His last time playing a half in any game was 10 years ago. That’s right — the last time he threw more than seven passes in a game was Dec. 14, 1997, as a Bill.

When Jason Campbell went down (probably for the season with a left kneecap injury) late in the second quarter against Chicago, in came Collins. He was offensive coordinator Al Saunders‘ hand-picked insurance policy at quarterback before the 2006 season.

First snap: incompletion. Second snap: short completion. Third snap: sack, fumble, Chicago ball. Fourth snap: 21-yard perfect strike for a touchdown to tight end Todd Yoder. In all, after not playing much for a decade, Collins completed 15 of 20 passes for 224 yards, two touchdowns and no interceptions.

“I don’t know that I’ve ever had a better performance coming off the bench — ever,” coach Joe Gibbs said of Collins.

I have a list of all the guys I think might become offensive players of the week, from Wes Welker down to an unretired Deion Sanders. Only names who aren’t on the list? Todd Collins and Willis McGahee. That’s it. That’s the list.

Dallas TE Jason Witten. Fifteen catches for 138 yards, including the game-winning 16-yard touchdown pass from Romo with 18 seconds left, giving the Cowboys a scintillating 28-27 win over the Lions. For the record, there are six Hall of Fame tight ends, and none of them ever surpassed 15 catches in a game. In fact, no tight end in NFL history has. Kellen Winslow and Mike Ditka had 15 in a game, Ozzie Newsome 14, Dave Casper 12, Charlie Sanders 10 and John Mackey, interestingly (for its smallness), eight. “That is such an honor,” Witten said after the game. “I play this game to be a great all-around tight end, and I’m glad I could be there to make a big play when my team needed me.”

These are the kinds of tidbits that come up all the time in the Hall of Fame voting room. When I make my case for Witten in 7-13 years, believe you me I will reference his legendary, Hall-worthy 15 catch performance against the Lions in week 14 in a game they just didn’t have to have.

Coach of the Week

Dallas coach Wade Phillips. I remember when Pat Riley was asked once about how good a coach could be for a Lakers team with Magic, Kareem and Worthy steamrolling the rest of the league. “There’s no such thing as ‘rolling the ball out there’ and letting the player play — in any sport,” he said. Same thing this year with Phillips, who had a good table set for him by Parcells.

You might think this contradicts what I said in the beginning of MMQB which was, essentially, you need great personnel and a coach isn’t really that important. You might be right, too.

But Phillips has done some really smart things this year, not the least of which is making Terrell Owens a team leader by having him stand in front of the team — often — and talking like a leader. Maybe T.O. isn’t the perfect guy to do that, but it makes Owens feel like a king and makes him toe the line as a team player. The Cowboys are 12-1 because they don’t wilt when the pressure’s on. Phillips was the right hire at the right time.

Had he had any major previous success as a coach, though, he would have been a terrible hire.

Goat of the Week

Pittsburgh FS Anthony Smith. After his ill-timed guarantee (is there ever a good time to inflame the overwhelming favorites to win the Super Bowl?), Smith got beat for two long Brady touchdowns. I’m not sure anyone cared much about his statements, but why antagonize a great team?

File this under “Duh.”

Quote of the Week II

“Well done is always better than well said. That’s been the motto of this team.”

– New England quarterback Tom Brady, three days before the Patriots beat Pittsburgh. He was responding to reports of Steelers safety Anthony Smith guaranteeing a Pittsburgh victory in the days before the game.

Am I alone in thinking that Brady always says the right thing? I mean, always? So I asked him: Where’d you learn the “well done” line, and who taught you to always say things the way your coaches and parents and fandom would want you to say them? Which leads me to my …

Text Message of the Week

“Ben Franklin said that. I learn from where we all have, my dad!”

–Tom Brady.

That’s right. I’m one degree of separation from Giselle Bundchen and Bill Belechick.

Stat of the Week

So you want to know how active your team will be with a good free-agency market coming up in three months? Here’s a chart of how much cap space each team was due to have next spring as of Saturday, along with how many players each team has under contract:

And yes, you read it right. The Washington Redskins are $20 million over the projected ’08 cap, a number that will be reduced once the ‘Skins convert some bonuses assigned to the ’08 cap (including a hefty one paid to tight end Chris Cooley) to signing bonuses, which can be pro-rated over the life of the contract.

Here’s a tip for aspiring columnists: When you have a weekly column and you set the expectations high with a thought-provoking “Stat of the Week” every week, understand that you will get fatigued looking for stats. You should have some charts that you can find anywhere on the Internet handy to plug in for one of those weeks you’re too sick of it all to research a good stat of the week.

Also, if you’ve already mentioned something in a pervious column, like the Redskins’ cap situation ( http://sportsillustrated.cnn.com/2007/writers/peter_king/11/18/week11/7.html ), it doesn’t to mention it again, even if you have nothing new to add.

Factoid of the Week That May Interest Only Me

So you wonder how important Romo is to the Cowboys? He came along not at the right time, but at the perfect time.

The Cowboys began selling tickets to their new stadium in Arlington last week, and the prices floored some buyers. Lower-bowl seats will have one-time personal seat license (PSL) fees between $16,000 and $150,000, which will give each ticket-holder the right to purchase seats at the stadium for the next 30 years. Those who pay the license fees will have to fork over $340 per ticket for 10 games — eight regular-season, two preseason. Team Marketing Report claims that the previous highest PSL price was $12,000 per seat in Carolina, and that Gillette Stadium, home of the Patriots, did not have PSL fees when it opened.

The prices seem other-worldly. That’s putting it mildly. Dallas owner Jerry Jones is fond of saying the public will determine the market. If he sells out the new palace, either Texans are flush with more money than the rest of the country, or they’ll mortgage their futures to make sure they see how far Romo can take this team in the next few years.

Or they love the Cowboys, which is entirely possible, if not altogether likely.

Enjoyable/Aggravating Travel Note of the Week

Brett Favre flew from Green Bay to the Teterboro Airport in suburban New Jersey late last Tuesday afternoon, then was driven into New York to accept the Sports Illustrated Sportsman of the Year award that night.

The first 756 miles of the trip, in the air, took 105 minutes.

The last eight miles of the trip, on the ground during rush hour, took 65 minutes.

That’s 432 mph on phase one of the trip, 7 mph on the second leg.

This information came from one of those non-Gay personal conversations I have with Brett Favre all the time in which I do not call his wife a whore.

Ten Things I Think I Think

1. I think these are my quick-hit thoughts of Week 14:

b. It’s just time to go, Rex Grossman. And understand that scores of really good players had to go to a second or third team before finding NFL success. The worst thing for both sides would be for Grossman to even talk to the Bears in free agency. He needs a fresh start, as do the Bears.

It’s pretty egregious for Rex to get hurt when he was getting auditioned for next year and beyond. Shame on you, Rex.

c. Whatever happened to Matt Leinart? Has he been kidnapped?

It’s like one day, he’s starting for the Cardinals, the next, he’s out with some undisclosed mystery injury. Who knows with Hollywood types.

d. Stop showing stonefaced coaches all the time, NFL Network. How many times can we look at Lovie Smith, expressionless, for five seconds, without throwing the remote at the TV?

Nothing, and I mean nothing, makes me madder than Lovie Smith looking expressionless. If I have to look at his unmoving face once more, by God, I don’t know what I’m capable of doing. I’d advise all residents of North Central New Jersey to watch out. Just saying.

f. How, exactly, will NFL Films put a highlight film together for the Miami Dolphins?

They should call in the America’s Funniest Home Videos guys, right? You know what I’m saying?

g. I’ve never seen a colder shoulder than the one LaDainian Tomlinson showed Philip Rivers as the latter was stinking up the joint in Nashville on Sunday.

The five coldest shoulders I’ve ever seen, before Sunday, in order:

5. Cold: Democratic Party to Walter Mondale after the 1984 Presidential election.

4. Colder: Keith Olbermann to Production Assistants every Sunday.

3. Colderer: Ross to Joey in that one Friends episode where Joey become a tour guide at the museum where Ross worked.

4. Coldererer: United States to Lobbyists lobbying for higher health standards in America.

5. Coldest: This one waitress at a pre-Starbucks Coffee Shop in St. Louis to me when I asked for sugar and Sweet ‘n Lo in my coffee. I am what I am, Doriz.

i. Adrian Peterson rushed 14 times for three yards at San Francisco, and the Vikes won by 20 points. Yes, the tide is turning for the Vikes all right.

I know it was just against San Francisco, but…oh, right, it means nothing.

j. I’m no ratings maven, but I’ll bet a dime that a Dallas-New England or Green Bay-New England Super Bowl would draw the biggest audience in American television history.

Oh, to be a young ratings maven in New York.

k. Why do I think the Vikings might have something to say about that?

Because I’m overly reactionary, that’s why!

2. I think it’s all well and good for Eagles president Joe Banner to say, as he did the other day, that he “can’t envision a scenario” in which Donovan McNabb is not the Eagles’ quarterback in 2008. It’s a fine thing to support your starting quarterback and to try to put out all the fires raging in Philadelphia in the media and the public about McNabb’s future. But if that’s the way Banner’s really thinking, he’s Nero, and Rittenhouse Square is on fire.

That’s right, I know Philadelphia geography. So what if its a poor comparison?

I’m not saying McNabb can’t save his job by going 3-0 down the stretch and playing great football, and I’m not saying the die is cast and he’s definitely in his last month as the Eagles’ quarterback. But let’s be realistic. He’s not the pal he once was with Andy Reid (for a lot of reasons), and that goes both ways. You can’t win in the NFL when the house is divided, and you just get the feeling this house is falling apart and can’t be rebuilt.

See that parenthetical – (for a lot of reasons)? Sometimes a journalist doesn’t want to divulge everything they know. If George Lucas told you that Darth Vader was Luke Skywalker’s father in the first Star Wars, why would you ever watch Empire Strikes Back? This is the same thing.

One final McNabb note: Paul Domowitch of the Philadelphia Daily News is one of the most fair-minded and even-handed NFL writers in the business. The other day, he noted how rabbit-earish he’s found McNabb and wrote: “For a guy who says he doesn’t waste energy worrying about what people think of him, it seems as if he does nothing but worry about it. Buy a pair of freaking earplugs and stop reading the paper, will ya, fella.”

Donovan, however, you can still read my column. Because it’s on SI.com, the best sports website in the world.

3. I think the NFL found two widely diverging explanations for official Phil McKinnely‘s “boy” comment to Samari Rolle during the conflagration in Baltimore last Monday night. Rolle told league disciplinary VP Ray Anderson that McKinnely used the word in a denigrating way late in the game. But McKinnely, according to a league source, told the argumentative Rolle to “stop acting like a boy” and be an adult.

Rather than keeping the dispute alive, the league did two things last Friday: It elected not to discipline or fine Rolle or his teammates for their onfield abuse of the officiating crew, and it sent a warning letter out to all officiating crews advising them to walk away from disputes in the future. And Anderson reminded the Ravens players to walk away from arguments before they escalate. I’m told the league believes McKinnely’s side of the story.

You thought I was going to discuss how this would have been dealt with by the league office had McKinnely been a white official, right? I’m not touching that with a ten-foot-pole. Except to say that the official would be fined and possibly fired. That’s it.

5. I think if you ever question the brutality of this game, and wonder if people like Mike Ditka, Kyle Turley and Daryl Johnston are doing the right thing in campaigning for better medical care and benefits for retirees, consider this headline you will never see on NFL.com: John Elway just had a knee replaced. At age 47.

Oh, it’s not on SI.com, either? Eh, it’s the Internet. I wrote the backpage column on Favre in the magazine.

6. I think, if I’m the Patriots, I’m dealing the pick I got from San Francisco, the one that might be the second overall pick in the draft. I’m resisting all temptation to choose Darren McFadden, because I know I can trade down and get a good back down the line. The league’s full of them — at far more manageable money than the $28 million guaranteed you’d probably have to commit to a McFadden if he’s picked that high.

Also, if the Patriots actually picked a Running Back second over all, I would probably have to admit that I was wrong two weeks ago when I said never pick a Running Back in the first part of the first round. So, don’t do it, guys. Please.

7. I think it’s only fair to continually praise Fred Taylor, seeing that he’s been so ignored in his NFL career. He passed Eddie George and Tiki Barber on the all-time rushing list with his 132-yard day against Carolina that included the longest run of his life, an 80-yard touchdown run. Here’s what I find amazing about the supposedly aging Taylor: He’s averaged 7.4, 7.4 and 7.3 yards per rush in the last three weeks.

As I mentioned, I was watching with Tiki and Eddie George as Fred broke their career marks. If you look up uncomfortable in the dictionary, there would be a picture of that room during that game. If you looked it up on an interactive encyclopedia, there would be the accompanying awkward silence. If you looked it up on wikipedia, it would be inaccurate!

8. I think this is what I liked about Week 14:

b. The pursuit of Nick Collins, the Green Bay safety who chased down Justin Fargas on a fourth-and-short in the first quarter and chopped him down like a dad at a Christmas Tree farm.

I know, I know, Mom’s can chop Christmas trees down, too. Here’s my take: Unless you’re a single mom, let your husband do it for you. You can get hurt, ladies.

e. Brian Dawkins‘s neck tackle of Reuben Droughns in Philadelphia, stopping the Giants at the Philly one and holding them to a field goal. Defensive play of the day.

You can’t teach neck tackling. You either have it, or you don’t.

f. Albert Haynesworth did his job Sunday, as did Kyle Vanden Bosch. Haynesworth’s impact was on display in Nashville. Six of LaDainian Tomlinson’s first 12 rushes were for zero yards or less: -1, 2, 5, -1, 3, 0, 3, 0, 6, 16, 0, 0. And Vanden Bosch’s three-sack day terrorized Philip Rivers.

So what if LaDainian Tomlinson ended with 146 yards rushing and 2 TDs. Look at those first 12 rushes. That’s what really matters to me.

j. The two leading rushers Sunday: Ryan Grant, Selvin Young, with 156 yards each. See what I mean about being able to find backs without spending big money or big draft picks on them?

If this doesn’t prove the point, I don’t know what does.

9. I think this is what I didn’t like about Week 14:

a. How undisciplined the Bears look. In their first series after going down 14-0 in the third quarter at Washington, the Bears got whistled for a delay of game, false start, false start and delay of game in an 11-snap sequence.

Now, if they had another quarterback, and a coach with a face that wasn’t so gosh-darned expressionless, things might start to change over there in Chicagoland.

b. What an idiotic flag thrown by the Ron Winter crew in the Philly-Giants game, the delay-of-game spike call on Plaxico Burress, after Burress mildly slammed the ball down after a play. Call the penalty when someone truly spikes it, guys.

You still think I’m racist? That’s the THIRD nice thing I’ve said about Plaxico Burress today! Plaxico!

d. Could Vince Young please start playing like the third pick in the 2006 draft?

This didn’t work in 2003 when I implored Joey Harrington to please start playing like the third pick in the 2002 draft. Or in 2000, when I begged Akili Smith to please start playing like the third pick of the 1999 draft. But, it’s worth a shot, right?

f. Donovan McNabb: 14-18 in his last 32 starts.

I’d still give a second-round pick to Philly if I were Chicago, despite worse receivers, a worse line and a worse running game than he has in Philly. It’s a ll about a change of scenery. Obviously.

g. I wish PR people would edit post-game quote sheets. When a writer has 16 sheets and has to wade through 15.8 pages of total bullcrap, it tends to aggravate him at 3:23 a.m.

That’s the part of the column where play Olbermann for a minute and I stick it to the little guy.

10. I think these are my non-NFL thoughts of the week:

a. The Heisman voters got it right. What quarterback, in any league, has ever thrown more than 20 touchdown passes and rushed for more than 20 touchdowns in a year? Tim Tebow had 51 combined. And, apparently, Tebow is a heck of a kid.

“I don’t know if we’ve ever, ever had a better winner for college football, or for life, than Tim Tebow,” Lee Corso said after Tebow won the Heisman on ESPN on Saturday night. Hard to imagine a kid who was raised better, and is more mature as a college sophomore, than Tebow.

“We think about this as a team award,” was one of about 75 humble things Tebow said upon winning. The praise of his parents and coaches and the university president, for crying out loud … No wonder the state of Florida loves this kid.

For some reason, I don’t see a dog fighting trial in his future.

b. Greg Schiano stays. He turns down Michigan. He did not get a dime from Rutgers for staying. You can knock New Jersey over with a feather right now.

I wrote this at 4am. I don’t know what I meant, either.

c. I’ve always felt Schiano had at least one move left in him. Maybe to Penn State, someday. Maybe to the Chicago Bears. I don’t know. Maybe Michigan was too preppy, too blue-blooded for him. Maybe just moving into a palatial new home on the edge of campus this fall and being happily ensconced with his wife and three kids had something to do with it. But it’s darned impressive that a guy turns down one of the best four or five jobs in college football to stay at the State University of New Jersey.

One place I wouldn’t advise him going? The NFL. After GMs are done reading this column, no successful college coach will get an NFL job ever again.

f. I would hire Steve Mariucci to fire up the troops at my company any day of the week. You should have heard his heartfelt talk at the Favre Sportsman event the other night. Moving.

We all went out and beat the daylights out of Time in our intermural, inter-magazine floor hockey league 11-0. Could’ve have been even more of a beat down, but we pulled out starters midway through the 3 period. Special note goes to Gene Menez, who had four goals, three assists and a wicked check on Joel Klein. Thanks, Mooch.

g. I really wish these movie channels

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Now, I’ve taken a lot of flack over the years for being an old media guy, but I challenge you to show me one old media sportswriter who has so seamlessly integrated the world wide web into their repetoire. In any discipline! George Will? Dean Koontz? Phooey. Just because I’m the new backpage columnist for the most important sports weekly in the world, doesn’t mean that I look down on the little guy writing for a dot-com.

But when I try to reach out to a new media blogger, in this case Bill Simmons, he’s blocked me. Im not saying he’s afraid. I’m certainly not saying he’s become just like a sports radio host who hangs up on callers who disagrees with him. I just sense that the internet is some kind of exclusive party with a “No-Old-Media-with-Several-Sportswriting-Awards-Writers Allow” policy.

For the record, this was the email I sent:

Hey Bill!

What’s new in cyberspace? As you know, I like your work. Wouldn’t say I *love* it. But I like it. You’re a bit of a homer, but, hey, so am I. Your foray into Old Media, “Now I Can Die in Peace” was a strong first effort. God for you.

Your recent column on the Knicks was a bit, well, hypocritical. I understand that the web is sort of like the Wild West. No real rules apply. But you still have to adhere to the basic principle of internal consistency, right? Additionally, your jokes and references don’t make any sense. I mean, come on!

Here are a few excerpts of what I’m talking about (Italics Yours):

After four years of enduring Isiah Thomas and James Dolan’s screwing up their beloved franchise, a seedy sexual-harassment trial and a Marbury-Isiah feud have pushed the collective venom and hopelessness to a new level. Stuck “rooting” for another expensive, unlikable lottery team, Knicks fans have morphed into a loony hybrid of pre-2004 Red Sox fans and PETA members protesting the latest fur-ridden fashion show. They don’t just hate what has happened to their team, they actually hate their team.

See what I’m talking about? I have no idea what you’re talking about here? The latest fur-ridden fashion show? Is this something that happens nowadays? I understand that you didn’t go to journalism school like me, but you really need to work on your imagery and use of metaphor. Badly.

You can’t overstate the level of passion and frustration here. I have rational, thoughtful friends sending me e-mails like, “I turned down courtsides tonight because I would have ended up walking over to Dolan’s seat and punching him in the face.” Across the board, Knicks fans believe this is an unthinkable turn of events — the deliberate slaying of basketball in the NBA’s signature city — with the implication being that such abject dysfunction should never be foisted on them. It can happen to other franchises, but not to the Knicks. Not to their Knicks.

Here, for instance, you take the time to acknowledge that Knicks fans’ frustration and passion cannot be overstated. Which, I think, is to say that you’re acknowledging their pain is real and probably not worth challenging. I personaly wouldn’t take these people on at this point. I, for instance, have never made fun of The Bengals fans. They’ve suffered enough – and, as a Red Sox fan, like you, I know what suffering is about. I also had a stutter my whole adolescence and had been 40 pounds overweight my whole life until three years ago.

Talk to a long-suffering Knicks fan over 40 and before long he’ll be waxing poetic about the Willis Reed game and those Bradley-Frazier teams. They’ll spin Bill Brasky-like tales about Bernard and Micheal Ray and drop a few f-bombs as they rehash the Charles Smith game and John Starks’ 2-for-18. They’ll tell you how much they loved Pat Riley’s tougher-than-nails teams and tell you where they were when LJ hit his four-pointer. They’ll tell you how much they miss hearing those electric crowds at MSG and how that’s the biggest shame of all — the deader-than-dead crowds at the World’s Most Famous Arena.

And all of it will be genuine. Still, it’s a stretch to assign the phrase “long-suffering” to Knicks fans, no matter how fervently they believe it fits. So they’ve had lousy teams for the past few years. It happens. They’re not Pacers fans, who had to endure the damaging and incomprehensible Artest Melee, which derailed a potential championship season and set the franchise back 10 years. They’re not Sonics fans, whose team is bolting within the next three years. And they’re not T-Wolves fans, whose franchise wasted the prime of a beloved icon and traded him too late for too little.

I’m not sure any people over 40, except me, read your column or any of the internet, so your point about any Knick fan over the age of 40 is irrelevant. Know your audience, Bill.

But, you’re right. Knicks fans aren’t fans of other teams with different issues. That’s indisputable! After all, homeless people in Santa Monica aren’t homeless people in Detroit, so they have that going for them. And homeless people in Detroit aren’t starving, disease-ridden boat people in the Pacific Rim. Later in your column, you’ll defend Celtics fans for being insufferable last year because it’s tough knowing what you’re missing out on – sellout crowds, electric atmosphere and the like. Knicks fan had that too throughout the 90′s, but they don’t have the most storied franchise in the NBA and 16 titles to fall back on. No Knicks’ fan under 40 remembers a Knicks’ championship and no Knick fan reading your column actually saw Micheal Ray Richardson play. It’s a cheap point – and, as many of your brethren on the internet will tell you – I know a thing or two about cheap points.

Just look at what’s happened to the Blazers since they won the 1977 title. They saw a potential dynasty implode when Bill Walton’s fragile feet couldn’t carry them. They drafted Sam Bowie over Michael Jordan, for heaven’s sake. And although they won 179 times from 1990 to ’92 and made the Finals twice, they infamously self- destructed in countless close games. During Game 7 of the 2000 Western finals, they mailed in one of the mammoth choke jobs in NBA history. In this decade alone, they’ve suffered through the much-despised Jail Blazers era and a prolonged rebuilding project that was capped off by having Greg Oden fall into their laps, only to have his rookie season derailed before it began. Imagine if the timeline in the previous paragraph had been the Knicks’. We’d never hear the end of it. So why haven’t the previous three decades of Blazer woes received as much attention as the travails of the Knicks have? Because they don’t play in New York, that’s why. The Knicks have the most fans, the most writers, the most people dissecting the team … I mean, how many Blazers fans have you met in your life? Two?

No one’s saying that Blazers fans aren’t suffering here, Bill. It’s not a contest, and it’s not fair to make it a contest. Had we made it a contest for who’s suffering the most, starving children in Darfur would have barely beaten out all sports fans a long time ago. Also, I do read all your columns, because I’m new to the internet and you seem to be good a getting this demographic. I dare say that you talk about the disastrous Isiah Thomas regime more than any national sportswriter (assuming we can call you both ‘National’ and a ‘Sportswriter.’ For the sake of the argument, I’m okay with it.)

You cannot understate the ability of a swollen fan base and a swollen media corps to distort the peaks and valleys of a big-market team. Just look at the 2004 Red Sox compared with the White Sox of a year later. Both last won a Series during WWI, both battled a “curse” (Babe Ruth; Black Sox) and both had generally tortured fans who never imagined their boys could ever turn it around. Yet when the big day finally arrived, Boston received significantly more attention. Why? Red Sox Nation.

Thanks, Doctor.

Consider these two indisputable sports truths:
Truth No. 1: The most agonizing baseball moment since Bill Buckner’s gaffe was Francisco Cabrera’s series-winning single for Atlanta that killed Pittsburgh in the 1992 playoffs. Not only did the Pirates blow a ninth-inning lead, not only did Cabrera, a no-name, deliver the final blow, not only did comically slow Sid Bream somehow beat a Barry Bonds throw home, not only was it the Pirates’ third straight October defeat … but Bonds signed with the Giants a couple of months later, banishing the Pirates to small-market hell. They haven’t been heard from since. The franchise was effectively murdered by one play.

Truth No. 2: Over the past 40-plus years, no sports city has had it rougher than Buffalo. It doesn’t have a baseball team. Its NBA team fled west to become the Clippers — a double whammy. Its greatest and most famous athlete is O.J. Simpson. It has suffered three of the toughest losses ever, all of which are so infamous they can be described in three words or fewer: “wide right,” “no goal” and “Music City Miracle.” Its beloved Bills lost four straight Super Bowls and currently have the second-longest NFL playoff drought (eight years and counting; the Cardinals haven’t gotten in since ’98). Is any under-45 American sports fan more scarred than the one who lives in Buffalo?

Yet another example of meaningless comparisons. What’s your thesis here, Bill? Why should I consider these two “indisputable sports truths?” Just to consider them? Are you using them to illustrate a point. Are you just making the same point you’ve made over and over again – other cities suffer? Based on your system of who can and cannot complain, why are Pittsburgh fans allowed to complain? They’ve won 5 championsohips – one of them 3 years ago – and had Mario Lemieux. Why even bother mentioning Pittsburgh?

The reason Cabrera’s hit hasn’t been mythologized like Dave Roberts’ steal and no great book has been written about the desperate Buffalo fan is a simple matter of numbers. The Red Sox and Knicks have more people who care about them, talk about them, write about them. (People like me: I was only one of about 60,000 writers who pumped out a post-Series Sox book.) That constant chatter and attention contribute to the illusion that big-market teams are more important than they are. Without anyone to carry the mainstream torch for teams like the Blazers, Pirates and Bills, they and their fans toil in relative anonymity.

The reason there is no “great” book about the desperate Buffalo fan is because you probably haven’t read it. It’s called “The Good, the Bad and the Ugly Buffalo Bills: Heart-Pounding, Jaw-Dropping and Gut-Wrenching Moments from Buffalo Bolls History” by Scott Pitoniak. You can buy it here: The Good, the Bad, and the Ugly Buffalo Bills: Heart-Pounding, Jaw-Dropping, and Gut-Wrenching Moments from Buffalo Bills History. You ought to.

Which brings us to the difference between suffering and insufferable. When Celtics fans like me were pulling the woe-is-us routine after last May’s NBA lottery, outsiders found it distasteful that any fan base that had been fortunate enough to have enjoyed the Russell, Havlicek and Bird eras could complain about anything. In our defense, it was almost worse to have lived the high life (16 titles) before falling on hard times (14 mostly terrible years) than never to have lived the high life at all. We knew what we were missing: big playoff games, the sound of a sold-out crowd, rooting for a franchise that meant something. And because there were more of us, our suffering made us loud — and, yes, insufferable.

Even though I’m older than your average writer by a decade and a half, I assume they all had the same thought I did: “You’re some hypocrite.”

Same goes for Knicks fans now. In a sports world that is increasingly defined by big money and big markets, the Knicks play in the richest, biggest market of all. You can’t drown out their fans and can’t reason with them, so don’t even try. They will just have to figure out for themselves that they’re lucky they don’t live in Buffalo or Pittsburgh, where nobody hears you at all.

Look, I don’t know you personally. I know you’re marginally successful. But my daughter Mary Beth’s male friends, who read you (and eat their own boogers, but that’s neither here nor there) say you built your whole career by whining about the Red Sox and Celtics?

I’ll tell you a secret – you were considered for a job here at SI.com a year and a half. The vote was much like the hall of fame vote. 13 members of the editorial department sat in the conference room and we made our case for you. Some were for you, some were against you. (If you ever see Jon Heyman, you should buy him a drink, I’m just saying.) The final vote was mine and I voted against you. Why? You make awful comparisons and rambling points that seem borne of your anger and self-importance and never make a strong argument. Looks like you haven’t proven me wrong yet.

All the best with the new baby!

Peter

—END OF EMAIL—

Too bad he blocked me, along with, I’d imagine, all Old Media types trying to figure out this crazy thing called the Internet.

I, unlike “The Sports Guy,” will never block any emailers, and never delete your comments. Peter King is a King of the people.